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MOVIE GUIDE: H
Hair (1979, Milos Forman)
Don't let anyone who came of age in the '60s try to deny their part in the blame for this! Seek them out, tie them up, and force them to actually watch it. (D+)
RELATED: People vs. Larry Flynt review
Hairspray (1988, John Waters)
With director Waters having already conquered a certain kind of tastelessness, this obnoxious "camp" musical crosses every line into another kind. If nothing else, this is bound to enrich one's appreciation for THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. (D-)
Halloween (1978, John Carpenter)
This tragic waste of human energy originated the modern slasher film and may well deserve some ire just for that, but it's also gratingly smarmy, cynical, and directionless. People at the time gave it good reviews simply because it was cheap to make and it's So Cool to encourage "underground" filmmaking or whatever. Carpenter's subsequent career, I would hope, has taught them a lesson. (D+)
Halls of Montezuma (1951, Lewis Milestone)
Tiresome action flick about U.S. Marines features not nearly enough halls. (C)
Hamlet (1990, Franco Zeffirelli)
If there's been a more boneheaded casting decision than "Mel Gibson as Hamlet," I can't imagine it. Gibson not only lacks the range to exhibit the eponymous character's emotions, he doesn't even really seem to understand the lines he's reciting robotically. Glenn Close is over the top as Gertrude, but she's Agnes Moorehead compared to Helena Bonham-Carter, woefully embarrassing as Ophelia. (D+)
Hannah and Her Sisters (1986, Woody Allen)
Three sisters -- an anchored independent woman, a deadbeat, and an idealistic lost soul -- see life swirl around them over the course of one year as the husband (Michael Caine, at career peak) and ex-husband (Woody, ditto) of the first, Hannah, both contemplate earth-shattering changes and questions. Every moment of this movie is magic. It begins with words on a screen -- "God, she's beautiful..." -- that usher us into a new kind of material for the director, warm and heartfelt and stunningly ecstatic. This beautifully directed film is his masterpiece. (A+)
REVIEW / DVD review / initial reaction & imdb comments / LISTED: rated / 12 best of year / Shadows & Fog review / RELATED: Bananas review / Alice review / Deconstructing Harry review / Purple Rose of Cairo review / Melinda & Melinda review / Husbands and Wives review / MENTIONED: The Muse review / Happiness review / Wide Awake review / 1000th post
Happiness (1998, Todd Solondz)
Solondz has said that he wants to undercut the comfort of everybody, even those who like his work. That's the noblest of missions, and this unflinching, uncompromising movie will find you in the rarest of forms: afraid of yourself and your emotions. With a set of characters quite similar to those of HANNAH AND HER SISTERS, the film follows the crimes and misdemeanors of a set of disparate men and women trying in their various ways to find happiness, and more often than not obstructing other lives in the process. Rarely has a film offered such an opportunity to examine and understand humanity at this core level, particularly not with this amount of dark, delicious humor. Not for anyone who is squeamish about... anything. (A)
REVIEW / DVD review / LISTED: rated / top 10 of year / RELATED: Storytelling review / Palindromes review / Solondz DVDs /MENTIONED: Targets & Melvin and Howard reviews / Birth of a Nation review
A Hard Day's Night (1964, Richard Lester)
Three movies come closest of any I'm aware of to capturing life. There's THE 39 STEPS, then THE 400 BLOWS, and most importantly, this, the Beatles' exuberant, exhilirating, stunningly powerful debut feature. Lester's direction is both intimiate and tirelessly energetic in this hilarious, iconic fictionalized account of a day in the life of the world's greatest rock band. Nothing in the world comes closer to turning the very essence of joy into something as tangible as images on celluloid. And oh, lord, the music. (A+)
REVIEW 1 / REVIEW 2 / DVD review / MENTIONED: George Martin's score / Smiles of a Summer Night review / Rules of the Game review / Jules and Jim review / tell me why / wuzzon #6 / Schizopolis review / Stagecoach review / Easy Rider review / Wuzzon / Beatles: First U.S. Visit
Hardcore (1979, Paul Schrader)
George C. Scott is outstanding in this hamfisted account of a man's investigation of a hardcore porn ring into which his daughter has drifted. So needlessly moralistic I was surprised William Friedkin wasn't involved. (C)
Harold and Maude (1971, Hal Ashby)
Disgustingly simplistic and fake "comedy" about a brooding death-obsessed teenager falling in love with an elderly woman is a now-meaningless piece of hippie bullshit that stands on the shoulders of better, far more daring movies like THE GRADUATE. This idealistic, wide-eyed view of the world is a good deal more dangerous than the suicidal fantasies Harold engages in. Bud Cort and Ruth Gordon are both splendid, but the movie is a near-complete washout. (C-)
REVIEW / reaction / LISTED: rated / disappointments & worst of year / RELATED: Coming Home review / MENTIONED: year in movies / B.S. I Love You review / fall movie preview / In the Heat of the Night review
Harry and the Hendersons (1987, William Dear)
What!? (D)
The Haunting (1963, Robert Wise)
"A closed mind is the worst defense against the supernatural," a character says in this half-baked crapfest. People say THE HAUNTING is scary because it's subtle, because of what they don't show you. I say it's scary because it's just a bunch of dumbasses talking, and what they're saying is so preachy and idiotic as to be genuinely depressing, especially at a time when more people than ever in this country are inclined to actually give credence to the idea of "ghost hunters." Putting all that stuff aside, what are we left with? Not much. A rotten movie with one good special effect. A lot of people love it, and they can have it. (C-)
REVIEW / LISTED: worst of year / rated / MENTIONED: job interview day / Robert Wise obit / 1000th post
Hawaii (1966, George Roy Hill)
Hey, want to watch me play Duke Nukem for three hours while I refuse to give you a turn? Or would you rather watch HAWAII? I thought so. It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum. (D+)
RELATED: The Sting review
Heathers (1989, Michael Lehmann)
Yeah, I know it's Really Cool when Winona Ryder lights her cigarette on the ashes of her annihilated boyfriend, but this overconfident faux-satire about teen death and destruction comes off like a 14 year-old's entry to a writing contest. There are some fine scenes, but the two lead characters (Ryder, the disaffected unmotivated type A, and Christian Slater, the type ZZZ emotional violent hunk) are so ridiculous and the film's general tenor so relentlessly bleak to the point of silliness that one can hardly help but find it more repellant than inclusive. (B-)
REVIEW / LISTED: rated / MENTIONED: Donnie Darko review
Heaven Can Wait (1943, Ernst Lubitsch)
This colorful and sometimes witty and affecting lite comedy is unfortunately rather bland and directionless. A lot of forced sentiment and bad jokes to a lame and pointless finish. Don Ameche and Gene Tierney are wonderful as the couple of note. (B)
REVIEW / top ten of week / LISTED: rated
Heavenly Creatures (1994, Peter Jackson)
Two isolated, imaginative teenage girls bond despite the suspicions of their respective parents and grow ever closer until they feel a necessity to take drastic measures to avoid separation. A small masterpiece, with Melanie Lynskey and Kate Winslet wildly charismatic in this disturbing, effortlessly erotic (and true) thriller. Jackson's atmosphere of dread and oppression is as effective as Hitchcock at his least forgiving. (A-)
RELATED: LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring review / MENTIONED: World of Henry Orient review
Heavy Metal (1981, Gerald Potterton)
Dated but charmingly honest and fun set of comic book fantasy vignettes is one of the few attempts at adult-geared animation that honestly works, though of course its audience is hardly as adult as it (or they) think(s). (B)
MENTIONED: Sin City review / Oldboy review / relationship counseling
Hello Again (1987, Frank Perry)
You remember Shelley Long? She's in this. You remember those terrible Must See TV sitcoms? That's what this is like. You remember the '80s? They're in it too. (D)
Help! (1965, Richard Lester)
One of the funniest movies ever made, a British comedy classic about a group of religious fanatics on the trail of the world's greatest rock band, the Beatles, specifically their drummer, who has somehow happened upon their one-of-a-kind sacrificial ring. Follow-up to A HARD DAY'S NIGHT is more exotic, more frivolous, and in color, but no less delightful, with a nearly equal number of priceless quotable scenes. (A)
DVD rumor / possible remaster / DVD rerelease finally / RELATED: A Hard Day's Night review / Petulia review / LISTED: most wanted on DVD / MENTIONED: Beatles MIA on DVD / The Ring review / Capitol Albums Vol. 1 announcement / Imagine on DVD / bootleg DVDs / Schizopolis review
Hero (2004, Zhang Yimou)
More tolerable than you expect as a piece of storytelling: RASHOMON combined with the kind of batshit story that gamer types eat up. But the reason to see this is that it is possibly -- with THE RIVER, FAHRENHEIT 451, and BLACK NARCISSUS -- one of the most beautiful color films ever shot, and a totally unexpected achivement in this respect. (B)
REVIEW / LISTED: rated
High Anxiety (1977, Mel Brooks)
Some Brooks fanatics feel this adoring parody of Hitchcock films to be inferior to a lot of his other work, but anyone who loves Hitchcock will have a field day spotting all of the references and in-jokes to the Master's classics and non-classics. An appropriate coda to AH's career, to boot. Highlight is easily the newspaper sequence. (A-)
short review / Mel Brooks Collection DVD review / MENTIONED: The Elephant Man review
High Art (1998, Lisa Cholodenko)
A wide-eyed young magazine editor drifts into the world of a heroin-addicted photographer and her consortium of layabouts, soon finding ambiguity in her feelings about her own sexuality and lifestyle. Doesn't sound half as fascinating as it is, thanks to stellar script and provocative direction from film student (!) Cholodenko. Ally Sheedy is tremendous, finally allowed to really bloom in a role, but the performance of the film is Radha Mitchell in the lead, exhibiting just the right measure of naivete and eroticism. (A-)
MENTIONED: Melinda and Melinda coming
High Fidelity (2000, Stephen Frears)
Rock & roll buffs may enjoy all the geeky details (I didn't), and John Cusack's performance is fine, but this touchy-feely comedy about a record store owner's love life is as petty and annoying as the local indie clerk. Again, rock & roll ideally is an escape from this kind of hair-splitting nonsense. The film would be at least worth a look (it does have a side-splitting scene involving Tim Robbins and an air conditioner) if not for the intolerably obnoxious Jack Black, but it's too late to recast. (C-)
rant / review in pictures / RELATED: The Snapper short review / various Kids in the Hall sketches
High Noon (1952, Fred Zinnemann)
Do not forsake Gary Cooper, who is a suicidal retard who wants to bring the rest of the universe down with him so he can wallow. I get the impression that at the end of the picture he's sorry he won (oops, is that a spoiler?) since it means he can't nail himself to a cross like he so desperately wants to. (C)
REVIEW / LISTED: rated / worst of year / RELATED: From Here to Eternity review (etc.) / MENTIONED: not eager to see / Wild Bunch review / Unforgiven review
High Road to China (1983, Brian G. Hutton)
Some drunk guy goes off to find this other guy to help some chick, or something. And there's something about China, I think. Was this a hit!? (D)
High School High (1996, Hart Bochner)
Stupid comedy starring the able Jon Lovitz suffers from perhaps too easy a target: troubled urban high school films like DANGEROUS MINDS, THE PRINCIPAL, and, why not, BLACKBOARD JUNGLE. Apparently there's some praiseworthy social consciousness in here, so I'm told, but the movie is so crude and nondescript I can't imagine it even trying to make a difference in the world. (D)
His Girl Friday (1940, Howard Hawks)
A divorced newspaper reporter (shatteringly played by Rosalind Russell) spends a long breathless night of breaking news dealing with her ex-husband and fiance's juggling of her. Low-budget, stagy comedy crackles with prescience and intelligence, with remarkably fast-paced dialogue and storytelling. A unique experience. (A-)
REVIEW 1 / REVIEW 2 / LISTED: rated / best of year / RELATED: Twentieth Century review / MENTIONED: Mickey Mouse in Black & White / DVD comment / year in movies / Sabrina review / Ninotchka review / The Lady Eve review
History of the World--Part I (1981, Mel Brooks)
Stunning satire of epic films betters nearly all of them. In several vignettes, some long and some short, Brooks explores the textbooks. The most infectious and unforgettable sequence is the brilliant Spanish Inquisition production number, but the Roman Empire and French Revolution scenes are priceless, and don't forget "Jews in Space." (A-)
Mel Brooks Collection DVD review / MENTIONED: The Elephant Man review
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005, Garth Jennings)
Douglas Adams' multimedia masterpiece (radio show, TV series, record, book series, towel) finally hits multiplexes after a two-decade wait. An effects picture with a brain, an ingenious and painfully funny valentine to beautiful Earth, with some of the best casting in recent memory: Mos Def as Ford Prefect, Zooey Deschanel as Trillian, Alan Rickman as Marvin, and Sam Rockwell as Zaphod, among others. Divine bit of mastery was well worth the wait. (A+)
REVIEW / DVD review / "it will suck ass" / 2005 movie preview / teaser / release date moved / what a moment / scathing Planet Magrathea review / Manohla Dargis review / more reviews / quick reaction / more on my reaction / box office take / new poster! / DVD on shelf / LISTED: rated / 12 best of year + movies seen theatrically in 2005 / MENTIONED: Will Smith in "Hitch" / still looking forward to / Batman Begins review / job interview & Kat on review / Land of the Dead review / Nightmare Before Christmas review / Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and 12 Monkeys reviews / movie summaries / hurricane vs. DVD / my take on Chicken Little / King Kong [05] review / year in movies / Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World review / 1000th post
Hocus Pocus (1993, Kenny Ortega)
Dire Disney Halloween comedy involving three witches, one played by Bette Midler, and some crap about virgins. Movies this convinced of their own ingenuity are always a tough proposition, but this one is unusually rotten; one feels unpleasant in a most irrational way, as though something subliminal is involved. (D)
MENTIONED: Nightmare Before Christmas anecdote
Home Alone (1990, Chris Columbus)
Violent and cynically sugary John Hughes hit about a series of bizarre coincidences that, fortunately for 20th Century Fox, lead to Macaulay Culkin being in a house all by himself for the holiday season! Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, coincidentally, have a plan to steal all his family's stuff that very week. But Culkin has a plan too. This is what happens when the main purpose of entertainment is to have something playing on the TV to keep the kids occupied while Mom goes out for brunch and poker with Aunt Margaret. (C)
MENTIONED: Night of the Meek / The Ring review
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992, Chris Columbus)
Improves on the original in one respect: it has Tim Curry. Otherwise, a washout, a clone of the original blockbuster with even more cynicism and maimed criminals. It took John Hughes one day to write FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF. Wonder how long this one took. (C-)
MENTIONED: Great Expectations review
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993, DuWayne Dunham)
Repugnant junk about incessantly whiny animals wandering around the country in search of their owners is nothing more than annoying and oddly stressful. (D+)
Honey I Blew Up the Kid (1992, Randal Kleiser)
This Hollywood goo follows the story of a baby who is now 100 feet tall or so, as well it should since it is the sequel to the movie in which some teenagers become tiny. Duh. Overgrown babies are something they should know a lot about in Tinseltown, but this obnoxious film has nothing to do with truth or any perception of it. (D-)
Honey I Shrunk the Kids (1989, Joe Johnston)
In a film that seems like it should have involved Jerry Lewis somehow, inventor Rick Moranis "accidentally" shrinks his kids to microscopic size, forcing them on an arduous journey across the backyard. Not terminally unlikable, but lacking in any shred of imagination that might have made it worth the trouble. (C)
Hook (1991, Steven Spielberg)
One of Spielberg's biggest gaffes to date, this seemingly promising story of Peter Pan in the modern day (he grew up to be... Robin Williams!?) boasts a priceless opportunity to see Dustin Hoffman playing a villain, and not just any villain but Captain Hook! Unfortunately, it's a very '90s, very in-your-face, very cheap spectacle of studio whoredom with absolutely nothing redeeming. People talk about Spielberg exhibiting the eyes of a child, but in this case the child is a dirt-caked ten year-old boy who's not too bright. Williams is awful, as usual. (D+)
RELATED: Saving Private Ryan review / MENTIONED: Twilight Zone: The Movie review
Hoop Dreams (1994, Steve James)
I can't get behind these kinds of "dreams" in any fashion, but people should have whatever aspirations they want, however much they are simply an escape from responsibility (a point not ignored here), and anyway, this documentary is absolutely riveting and full of the kind of telling details that would be absent from a more conventional Inspirational Sports Movie. Steve James doesn't shy away from making this a defiantly real and sometimes disturbing document of youthful naivete, success, and failure. (A)
Hotel Rwanda (2004, Terry George)
Extremely involving, feverishly paced tale of Paul Rusesabagina, a hotel manager who sheltered refugees during the Rwanda genocide. Not incredibly innovative in cinematic terms (it does borrow some good tricks from Altman, especially the racist radio station seemingly everyone is listening to) but gripping, and the rare heroic story that doesn't have to stretch or resort to sentiment to be inspiring. (A-)
REVIEW / LISTED: rated / MENTIONED: United 93 comments / Gandhi review
Hot Shots! (1991, Jim Abrahams)
Noble -- and completely likable -- attempt at a parody of TOP GUN and the like is about six years too late, and really makes no sense today, which says a lot about it since AIRPLANE! still works now that nobody's seen AIRPORT. (C)
Hot Shots: Part Deux (1993, Jim Abrahams)
Occasionally brilliant sequel takes out everything in HOT SHOTS that made sense, and goes instead for sweet insanity, even succeeding a few times. Worth seeing. (B-)
The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939, Sidney Lanfield)
Fun to see Basil Rathbone as surly Sherlock Holmes, but I always thought the detective was kind of an asshole, and thus he remains in this sterile big-budget production. (C-)
House of Sand and Fog (2003, Vadim Perelman)
Beautifully mounted tragedy about the fight between Good and Good. A depressed woman's house is unfairly taken from her and sold immediately to a hard-working Middle Eastern family; their ensuing battle is heartbreaking and explosively resonant. Perelman tells his story slowly, deliberately, allowing the chips to fall into place in devastating fashion. Jennifer Connelly and Ben Kingsley are excellent. (A-)
LISTED: rated
House of Strangers (1949, Joseph L. Mankiewicz)
Brothers have a falling out over the bank their father owns. Instantly forgettable. (C+)
REVIEW / LISTED: rated / disappointments / RELATED: A Letter to Three Wives review / MENTIONED: Happiness review
House of Usher (1960, Roger Corman)
Corman's first Poe film is well-written, brilliantly directed, and enjoyably over-the-top, with the outstanding production design especially notable. Vague sense of fearful insanity will raise chills. (A-)
HouseSitter (1992, Frank Oz)
Depressing nonsense about Goldie Hawn pretending to be Steve Martin's wife for some reason. Artificial and tired. (C-)
Howard the Duck (1986, Willard Huyck)
I'm not surprised George Lucas produced this; what suprises me is that anyone did. A giant duck shows up on planet Earth and starts doing it with Lea Thompson and hiding from bad guys. As bad as they say, but mostly just weird and off-putting. (D)
How I Got into College (1989, Savage Steve Holland)
Holland's third film, this one about the painful journey upward into the anus of higher education, sorely misses John Cusack but does fit in some enjoyable and still relevant commentary on high school/college sleaziness. (B)
How I Won the War (1967, Richard Lester)
Ridiculously paced, incomprehensible antiwar film about a series of coincidences that allow a plucky loser to claim responsibility for the winning of WWII. John Lennon has a notable role in this, and there are several fun sequences, but where it's all going is anyone's guess. (B-)
REVIEW / LISTED: rated / disappointments
How to Get Ahead in Advertising (1989, Bruce Robinson)
Distressingly awful followup to WITHNAIL & I features Richard E. Grant as an adman whose... I don't even want to explain. Truly disgusting. (D)
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying (1967, David Swift)
Oily Broadway shitstorm of "clever" production-number commentary is guaranteed to evoke dread and perhaps eventual madness. You can only take something this twee for so long, and there's nothing more offensive than that which thinks it's funny but absolutely, positively isn't. See Weird Al. (D+)
The Hudsucker Proxy (1994, Joel Coen)
Coen Brothers patische of crazed production design and clever 1950s postmodern humor offers ample pleasures. Tim Robbins figures prominently as the inventor of the hula hoop; he's on top of the world, but when the fad dies, what now? Maybe a little too artficial, but still exquisite. (A-)
The Hunt for Red October (1990, John McTiernan)
Loud, action-drenched fakery places Alec Baldwin and Sean Connery in the middle of the dull Tom Clancy bestseller. Connery is fine, but Baldwin is a big mistake, and it doesn't matter anyway because the movie is useless, and runs an inexcusable 135 minutes. Popcorn should be short and sweet. (C)
RELATED: Die Hard review
Hurlyburly (1998, Anthony Drazan)
Egad! A truly shitty stage play about the Hollywood sharktank of cokeheads turns into a labored semi-movie with really horrible stagebound dialogue as spewed out by Sean Penn and Kevin Spacey, among others. What a terror. What a surprise. (D)
Husbands and Wives (1992, Woody Allen)
Faux-documentary follows a pair of splitting couples and their lives in the aftermath. Allen's script is full of complexity and keen observation, and the performances (especially by Judy Davis) are incredible. Funny, real, and unexpectedly moving, this also features some of the most uncomfortable moments on film (that's a good thing), many of the most painful and truthful views on marriage, and is a career highlight for all. (A)
REVIEW + DVD review / second viewing + choice quotes / LISTED: rated / RELATED: Crimes and Misdemeanors review / wide opening / Twilight Zone S4 DVD review / Scenes from a Marriage review / top ten of the week / Fanny & Alexander debate / controlled by tastes / Mike Nelson's Cracked article / Solondz DVDs
The Hustler (1961, Robert Rossen)
A boring, miserably depressing film, large chunks of which consist of watching actors pretend to play pool. Paul Newman is at his method-acty worst -- he gets mileage mostly from giggling a lot and acting like a drunken buffoon, which apparently means he's one serious motherfucker -- and of course there's the hopeless waif he falls in love with and a few inspiring speeches about self-confidence or some shit. Fucking turn on ESPN2 or something, they show billiards sometimes without shitty romantic subplots. I have nothing but admiration for anyone who can actually find something interesting about this pointless film. (C-)
REVIEW / LISTED: rated
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