PLAASTIK IS:

This is the complete Plaastik lineup, including the five original members and the two 1987 additions.

Nick Parker [aka Jesus Killer] (vocals, bass)
Age: 53
Personal quote: "I was in a bar in South Carolina once, and Hootie was standing around in the parking lot. I don't know his real fucking name so I was like 'Hey, Hootie, how ya doin'?' and he goes 'My name's not fucking Hootie, asshole' so I kicked his ass then I went inside to have a beer and the guy at the bar was all 'You know, that happens to him out there almost every day.'"
Turn ons: barely legal porn
Turn offs: rude people









Janet Kieran (guitar)
Age: 46
Personal quote: "I seriously think The Real World III is probably the pinnacle of our culture and I don't see any reason Plaastik should try and top it. No one can bring a generation together like that ever again."
Turn ons: phallic symbols
Turn offs: leaky ceilings








Jeff Jooce (keyboards, piano, guitar)
Age:: 50
Personal quote: "The problem with the candidates in this election is that they don't have good enough taste in pants. They should at least put all that campaign money toward something worthwhile. I mean, come to think of it, why even bother running? Only one guy's gonna win anyway."
Turn ons: Elvis Presley's film King Creole
Turn offs: anything that squeaks













Jay Kay Ray (rhythm guitar, turntables)
Age: 48
Personal quote: "I don't resent being called a token. I just resent people acting like it's a bad thing. Do you know how much money I'm making in this stupid alternative band?"
Turn ons: samples of dogs barking and chicks coming, preferably at the same time
Turn offs: anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't mestruate



Kevin Keys (drums)
Age: 42
Personal quote: "When I play the drums I just pretend they're my mom."
Turn ons: long walks on the beach with a FGA
Turn offs: when you're in the honeymoon phase with a guy and you've just had a fucking bucketload of Merlot and you're in the heart shaped bed in your massive apartment waiting for Mr. Right to come home and give it to you and he walks in with a fucking chick, that hurts, man


Christina Singleton (keyboards)
(1961-2008)
(Left band in 2003)
Personal quote: "Some days it just doesn't seem worth it to knaw through the leather straps."
Turn ons: the colorful wit of Ray Stevens and Victor Borge
Turn offs: the freeze-dried funk of Ray Parker Jr.


Mitchell Blank (percussion, brass, strings)
Age: 72
Personal quote: "When I was in 'Nam, I saw some awful stuff, but nothing compared to the damage Nick's cat did to our tour bus. I taught that little bastard basic arithmetic when he was in fourth grade and he's still so fucking grateful he lets me play in his band, but he doesn't know yet that I'm gonna kill his cat tonight."
Turn ons: creepy Asian women, his unrequited love for Janet Kieran, Christina Singleton, and any other woman much younger than him he meets, the crazy old codger
Turn offs: rude people, that rap metal crap... "it's not music at all! It's just noise!"