GRANT BUELL VS.
ART
with your host, IHATEMUSIC

In recent years, Grant Buell's animosity toward the art community has grown from a minor nuisance into a catastrophe. Buell's remarks in the press condemning artists as a whole have been damaging to the reputation of art in its significant cultural status as part of the Western world. I, for one, will be taking Grant Buell to task for his damaging remarks by demanding of him just what it is he expects of artists.

Presumably he would like to see a return to the "classical" styles of painting. He does not understand that these forms are no longer relevant to our modern world, and those who stumble in the darkness attempting to revive them plainly display their own laughable ignorance. Here now I will be grading works of art from various time periods and I expect Grant Buell to do the same.

Leonardo Da Vinci: Mona Lisa

In painting this ridiculously androgynous self-portrait, Da Vinci creates a testament to his own tendencies of megalomania. The amateurish background is more interesting than the bland, complacent creature standing before you. Why is she smiling? Because she's famous for no good damn reason, that's why. This painting was made for replication in bland hallways of grandparents' homes in an effort to frighten those who dare venture within. (Grade: D-)

Michaelangelo: David

There is no balance to this homoerotic sculpture. The blank look on David's face is suggestive only of a thousand young fools who readily accept anything handed to them. If there is a metaphor to this, it has something to do with the joy of sculpting flaccid members when you're a flamer. (Grade: F)

BenFolds.org Thread #13036
Beach Boy Al Jardine's stab at post-modernism and dustybooks' post-post-modern identity crisis that follows makes for intriguing reading, if you're intoxicated. In the end this lengthy mindfuck strikes me as just more manipulative tripe from the mind of an acid casualty. (Grade: D)

DolphinSex.org
A vain grasp for provocation or just a poorly-executed joke? Either way, DolphinSex serves to prove our plight as a race, which is that we have crossed all boundaries and destroyed all sacred cows, for better or worse, and by the time the webmaster here has ordered us to be careful upon female dolphin penetration, the response is not disgust but perplexed boredom. (Grade: D-)

Vincent Van Gogh: Starry Night

What was this poor man's renegade trying to prove when billing this as some sort of skewed world perspective? I'm not falling for his charade, and neither should you. (Grade: F)

Salvador Dali: The Persistence of Memory

What Dali is saying here is basically that war makes clocks melt. And you know what? He's probably right, but why should I care? He gives me nothing in this picture to which I can relate, and for that reason, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave this at C- level.

9 Chickweed Lane (dated Sept. 18, 2003)

There is nothing more banal, ridiculous, and utterly worthless in the world than this comic strip, drawn by the ultimate pretentious blowhard of our times. His name is Brooke. BROOKE. Anyone who can find anything good about 9 Chickweed Lane is not only stupid/dull/tasteless but, indeed, beyond help. (Too awful to grade.)

Jimmy Ray's album JIMMY RAY
Although this Vanilla Ice-lookalike's LP contains such luminous anthems as "Sex for Beginners," "Are You Jimmy Ray?," "Daddy's Got a Gun," "Trippin' on Baby Blue," and "I Got Rolled," he remains a Vanilla Ice lookalike. And the hidden track "Are You Still Jimmy Ray?" is slightly derivative of the hit "Are You Jimmy Ray?" -- fifteen demerits for that mistake. (Grade: C+)

Rene Magritte: The Dangerous Liaison

A great tush, but if pornography dehumanizes women, who's to say this doesn't? She sure looks like an object to me! What misogynistic swill! (C-)

Pablo Picasso: Guitar

They say if a cat brings you something like this it's a gesture of kindness. Me, I'd send it off to the shelter. This looks like a Clapton cover. (D)

Anal Cunt's album I LIKE IT WHEN YOU DIE
They're finally starting to fulfill their potential on "You Are an Interior Decorator" and "Your Kid Is Deformed," but material like "Windchimes Are Gay," "Your Best Friend Is You," and "You're in a Coma" is obvious filler. (C+)



John Cage: 4'33"
What an oaf. Four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence just to freak out the stuffy people this windbag surrounded himself with. I'm not buying your sledgehammer rebellion, John. (F)

Jan Vermeer: Young Woman with a Water Jug

I'd just love to see you clowns defend this "slice of life." Yeah, she does have a water jug, and why the fuck should I care? Maybe I should take a picture of me opening the fridge and send it to the Louvre. I bet Grant just loves this, too. (F)

COMMENTS from the INTELLECTUAL CONSORTIUM

"scratch": has to be nathan. you area a wanker too.

Grant Buell: "My opinions of the ideas presented in Mr. IHM's post can best be summed up by this gorgeous Ansel Adams"
My response: This is yet another example of Grant Buell's evasive methods of responding to criticism. We as a people cannot continue to tolerate the madness in the gospel spread by this man. Instead of grading the art properly, he slides into his guarded castle and will undoubtedly taunt us all in the next issue of the New Yorker. Is this how you want to be remembered, Grant? As a coward?
Grant Buell's response: Pretty much. That would be awfully POSTMODERN of me, wouldn't it?

"CrAzYbLuTo": "I seriously want to punch you. Don't rip on renaissance art. It's some of the most beautiful art ever produced, and ushered in a whole age of enlightment. asshole."
My response: Is that how you feel? or is that just what you've been told to feel? there's more to life than what they show on A&E, you know. because of your screen name, CrAzYbLuTo, I give you a D, but because your naive ways remind me of a younger version of me, I will raise that to a C+.
CrAzYbLuTo's response: Actually, I studied it somewhat extensively in college...so before you start ripping on me for watching A&E, eat my ass... besides, I don't watch A&E. Plus, the art contained some major political statements.
My response: So you are saying ("besides") that I should eat your ass even if you did watch A&E. I resent that and point to your perpetual superiority as perhaps the key barrier between you and a fulfilling lifestyle. (Grade: F)
CrAzYbLuTo's response: It's not superiority... it's open mindedness... punk.
My response: "Open mindedness" is a myth perpetrated by madmen of all radical political orientations, such as the communist Grant Buell. He is too damn stupid to know 4/16 Cube.
CrAzYbLuTo's response: Open mindedness is obviously something you'll never grasp, Musicman... go away.
My response: Thank Gawd. Since you don't run the place, I think I'll be staying here however long I like.

"I WANT MY MONEY": "1. The whole thing about grading art...you can ONLY grade art for YOURSELF. Each piece of art says something different to EVERYONE because of your personal tastes and past experiences. Art is and will always be up to the interpretation of each individual. 2. I whole-heartedly agree with CrAzYbLuTo 3. That is all."
My response: Then why don't you start a fucking website?

Zach Friendly: "Hey ihatemusic, FUCK OFF! Grant probably has forgot more about art than you will ever learn! Why dont you back off and got Fuck you Sister."
My response: okay, let's see. "Hey i hate music, FUCK OFF!" that kind of makes sense. "Grant probably has forgot more about art than you will ever learn!" what!? "Why dont you back off and got Fuck you Sister." I think you hit ctrl-V by accident somewhere in there. Get your thoughts together and try again, cap'n.
Zach Friendly: Wow. Not only are you a moron you are... wait, That is ALL you are. My comments are very clear. The only copy and pasting I was doing is from your live journal.
My response: your comments are not clear at ALL, zach friendly. I do not have a LiveJournal, at least not one that you know about. and Bluto, for such a sensitive advocate of your beloved and oh-so-political Renaissance art, it seems to me that you are giving me more than a minor shaft over what amounts to an inconsequential difference of opinion. your business, I suppose.
Zach Friendly's response: you will die and i will rejoyce! the only thing that is not clear is your head. Remove it from your ass and then thin about what grant is saying. You might be able to hear better!
My response: it turns out that ben folds fans are quite a violent bunch, especially when it comes to their favorite pasttime/masturbation material, Renaissance art.
CrAzYbLuTo's response: actually, I'm not. Youhad to come in and show your ass, and now that the other monkeys have come round to kick it, you can't handle it.
Zach Friendly's response: Dip your TAIL between your LEGS and go the FUCK away!!!
My response: yeah, that's it exactly. I CANT HANDEL THE TRUTH OMG!!!!!!!!!!! HELP SOMEBODY!!! I'M TRAPPED ON WEB SITE AND THIR GONA KEEL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHNO!!!!!!!"
Zach Friendly's response: he is getting scared! What a pussy!
CrAzYbLuTo's response: what an idiot. he can't handle people saying he's wrong and has run out of intelligent things to say, so he's pretended to be a 13 year old girl

"CrAzYBluTo": this guy is an idiot. thanks zach...
My response: for what? his post alone makes a Merz picture seem like a linear landscape or even a Sears portrait. That's to say nothing of the long PSA you've contributed.
CrAzYbLuTo's response: because you are an idiot musicman. Art is not simply relative to the beholder. If you take that stance, then you are a pompous ass. You have to look at the time it was created as well as the various political, social, religious, and intellectual ideas of the time. simply looking at art and deciding you like it because it realtes to you is like coming on here and saying britney spears is a great musician because sometimes you feel like a slave in love.
My response: Are you implying that Britney Spears is not a great musician? I think it's becoming increasingly clear which one of us is "pompous."

Grant Buell (re Persistence of Memory analysis): "I can relate to those ants on the table there... cause we're ALL ANTS, man, wavin' our antennae around, bumping into each other, moving along on our way, following the trails left by our predecessors, eating, shitting, eating some more, dying..."
My response: I understand your point, Grant, and commend you for expressing it. However, it's impossible for me not to notice that in a 1998 article, a review of ANTZ in the New York Post, you made the exact same point in nearly the exact same words, presumably edited for clarity. "We can relate to these ants because we are all ants in a sense, waving our antennae around, bumping into each other, moving along on our way, following the trails left by our predecessors, eating, defecating, eating some more, dying..." The review gave ANTZ three and a half out of four stars. Does the same rating apply to Salvador Dali's painting? I appreciate your efforts to compensate those of us you have slighted in the past, Grant, but I'm afraid it is too little too late."

"carrymenotcathy" [dull bullshit removed for clarity]... "how can you fight about opinions?"
My response: good question. how can you eat food?

"!gas!panic!" (what a fga) "more like, jimmy GAY. but for real, i think Jimmy Ray's eponymous debut is a stylish fusion of rockabilly, alternative singer/songwriter and postmodern irony. Although Ray relies a little too much on style -- his tributes to rockabilly and Vegas are born of kitsch, not affection -- his charisma rears its head sporadically, as on the infectious "Are You Jimmy Ray?" and "I Got Rolled." These moments are almost entertaining enough to make Ray's posturing forgivable, but he'll have to tame his smirk and concentrate on songwriting in order to sustain himself through a second album. -- Stephen Thomas Erlewine and that's what i think about the jimmy ray album." Editor's note: coming soon to dusty-books.com... Great Moments in All-Music Guide History... just remind me in a few years

"tuberculosis" (dumbest name yet): "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." [let's read that again. "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile." "to say something is bad because you don't like it makes you sound infantile."]

Master of Somewhere: Well, I, um, do art in school. So there. And, I like to eat stuff with art on the back of the packaging. Like cereal. I consider myself quite an art expert. Let's discuss the material that the Mona Lisa was painted on. Material is quite rare these days. People spend many hard years looking for material. The Mona Lisa is exceptional in its fantastic use of physical material. As you can see, it is obviously painted on some type of material, and the paint is probably made of something also. Therefore, in the use of actual, physical material, I give the Mona Lisa a B+. However, in an effort to not get messed with, I agree with everyone else's grade. If you reply in any way to this post, that means that I control you. Also, if you don't reply, I still control you. So what are you gonna do?
My response: This sounds suspiciously like BUELL. Come out into the open, Wild Child Buell.

TB: you friggin idiot. I can't believe you posted this all. Go listen to some beach boys
My response: Like I really want to listen to the Kings of Whine. They're as bad as you.

noneofyourbusiness: let me guess you either voted for bush or are bush. you must not take much time to educate yourself about the world around you because you are the most closed minded person i have ever met and i live in a small town so believe me i have met many. what a stupid ignorant remark calling Michaelangelo a flamer is it mayber that you are just in denial?
My response: I hope you died in that lameass hurricane we had right after you sent this, and I hope your family died too. I was watching the CNN footage of suffering people just laughing my ass off saying "haha, there's that guy who said I was in denial." And you're right, I am in denial about my sexuality. I masturbated to Anderson Cooper while I laughed at you.

To read more of this particular discussion, clicky here, and while you're there, check this out!

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