WEEKLY DISPATCH #6
4-15-04:
By the time you read this, I'll be dead.
Haha, just kidding. No, no, I'm fine. Just wanted to get your attention. It's been a long time since I did this and I have a lot to answer for, so I'm a little nervous.
When someone suggested to me in 2001 that I put up a website encompassing my every interest, creative spark and opinion, I remember saying, "You're out of your fucking mind, you goddamn witless son of a bitch." Although I am no longer speaking to that person, I can now say that he was right all along. I don't think it was without precedent that I scoffed at the prospect, however. Despite my many years of service and success in the entertainment, manufacturing, and bootlegging industries, I was uncertain of precisely what purpose such a webpage would serve.
At the time I was all about "purpose." So intellectual and full of drive; if something seemed directionless, if it was anything but a bullet train to the Next Big Thing, Nathan Phillips wanted no part of it.
Then on September 11, 2001, the United States was faced with a grave disaster and in the wake of the horror stood Our George, poised to learn from the experience and make the world a better place. America would never be the same, and neither would I.
Suddenly it dawned on me that it was not only my right as an American to build a self-indulgent website, but my very duty. And if I didn't make one, then the terrorists had already won.
But I didn't really have time so I sat around and watched a lot of "Gomer Pyle" reruns instead. The terrorists won that battle... but the war? Ha.
You see, in the spring of 2002, I started to give the whole thing a bit more thought. This was because I was ill and bored beyond belief throughout the spring of 2002 and gave nearly everything more thought, like what would happen if you tied a chicken to a balloon (right).
Dusty Books & Pictures, in its now-legendary original incarnation, went online in late May 2002 and you can actually still see it here. It doesn't have the flash or sex appeal of the final revision now before you, but you know what it does have? The same thing I have -- soul.
Having tasted triumph and supremacy, I couldn't stop at that plain-white portrait of nothing, and neither could my growing army of fans. Look at these quotes praising my work:
"Nathan Phillips: vegetable? Mineral? Genius? I say, all three." - my ex-girlfriend
"Nathan Phillips' detractors can say what they want about how his work pales in comparison to that of Kurt Vonnegut. What they're missing is that they are the same person." - Janet Maslin, New York Times film critic
"Nathan did a very good job." - my mom
Just over one year after I sat and began to balloon the site to its current size, I stand here in the Dusty Books & Pictures theme park on my laptop waiting in line to see the director's cut of the Dusty Books & Pictures feature film. All around me giant television monitors are showing episodes of Dusty Books & Pictures: The Series, and children are laughing while they chew Dusty Books & Pictures gum. After taking a cell phone call about development of the Dusty Books & Pictures video game and the Dusty Books & Pictures mural in memory of Dr. King, I pause and think to myself: They had time to make all this stuff before I even finished the website. Now that it's open, I can tell you: Life is good. Very good.
So here's the site. I hope you like it and I hope you'll stick with me for the onslaught of additions that are sure to begin in excess... oh, in three days. (Let's see if I can stick to that.)
(I'm sure I can't.)
See you next year.
LINK OF THE WEEK. Peter Pan's Home Page!
Peter Pan may be the most sexually ambiguous character in any children's story. One message of J.G. Ballard -- I mean J.M. Barrie's classic is seemingly that sexual attributes come with age. Because we all know damned well that Peter Pan is a fucking girl. Boys just aren't that... pretty.
Which brings us to 49 year-old Randy Constan, a man I feel free to mock with no guilt, shame, or resistance for the following reasons:
- his name is Randy
- LOOK AT HIM! (left)
- this is his home page
There is a whole lot of text on this page and the guy really loves to look at pictures of himself, but basically all you need to know is at the top: he thinks, nay knows, that he is Peter Pan. The masthead on his page includes two quotes: one from the literary character, and one from another literary character of whom you just knew this guy would be a fan: Jesus. The Jesus quote is "All you need is faith and trust... and a little bit of pixie dust!" and Pan's is "Unless you become as little Children, you can't see God's kingdom."... or maybe I've got that backwards, or maybe there's some deep truth here I'm missing, like that Pan is a Christ figure, and indeed he and Jesus are the same person, and so is Randy Constan, and I will crucify them all myself.
It gets better, though. Turns out Randy, uh, Peter is looking for a Tinker Bell. He doesn't seem to understand the homoeroticism of this statement (fairies deserve fairies, ya know)... but maybe he's only seen Disney's Tinker Bell, the one that looks like Marilyn Monroe, or Spielberg's Tinker Bell, the one that looks like a coke fiend and is actually Julia Roberts.
First of all, this guy is *49*. 49. And LOOK at him. HE DRESSES LIKE THAT, PEOPLE. AND HE POSTS PICTURES OF IT ON THE INTERNET. Randy sez: "Although Peter Pan is definitely a boy, to me this character is perfectly asexual, and in his eternal childhood rejects the idea of growing up and leaving this behind." Unfortunately, Randy, that also means no sex. At least, I'm sure it does in your Christian philosophy.
Second of all, quote: "Sometimes it has been a difficult and lonely road to be so openly unique." OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Okay, let's say the guy is straight. I've known some pretty feminine straight guys in my time and half my coworkers think I'm a queer, and it doesn't particularly bother me, which probably makes me a closeted homosexual or some shit. The point is... he doesn't want a mommy or a hot chick or a girlfriend or someone to do laundry with, he wants a "Tinker Bell." A lot of the macho guys I'm sure Randy's hated all his life would really love the idea of a four-inch-tall defenseless bride save the fact that you can't fit your dick in her mouth, but let's face it: Randy is asking for the kind of cutesy superficial crap relationship that just sends people straight to psychiatric care. I mean, this guy calls sexual fantasies, turn-ons and physical attractions "sparkles." "Willoo be my Tinker Bell?" "Aww, yessy I wiww!" "Come cuddwe me!" "Oh, yeah, put it in me, Petew!" "I found the spawkwe!!!"
Ladies, let me tell you something if you find this guy remotely attractive: He's the same as any football jock. He likes to play dressup just like they do, and like any of them, he's caught at age 13. No wonder his idol is this asexual psychopath who kidnaps children and kills "pirates"... Peter is still as confused about his internal whims as a preteen who watches Baywatch out of interest in both Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff. (Okay, bad example, he's as much a girl as Peter, and she's more masculine than I am, but you get the idea.)
A few more reasons this guy irks me: his self-indulgent (I should talk) introduction gets really defensive in the second column, where he starts going on about gender roles. I agree to an extent with his basic point, but he somehow twists this around into whining about how girls are allowed to do guy things but it doesn't work the other way. He can't make a point about sexism without proving the wrong one by accident. He also praises Disney's "guts." If Michael Eisner saw this page, man, Peter Pan would be up a creek and Randy would be paying out the ass until 2050. Oh, and he plays jazz guitar, and likes "even well done 'tear jerker' movies." This is where he does actually seem straight for a minute because he does that creepy male thing where I/you/all guys start trying REALLY HARD to look desirable, and since Randy hasn't much to offer in the aesthetically-pleasing department, he tells us all about how he loves "long walks on the woods or on the beach, and bicycling" and silly dancing. How much you wanna bet he won't love this stuff much anymore once he's got Tink in her cage?
Then he says "I know all this makes me a very silly boy!" THAT'S WHY YOU'RE 49 AND A FUCKING VIRGIN, RANDY! YOU DO NOT TALK LIKE THAT! In general, strong-willed women (and God, this guy does not need a woman who isn't, they'd disintegrate from lack of communication) are looking for boyfriends and husbands, not little boys, not guys who have "fashion pages" on their websites featuring themselves prancing around in lime green outfits pretending to be cartoon characters (or websites at all, for that matter... fa fa!).
If anything on the site is an admission to homosexuality, as if it needs an explicit one, I accept this: "If you too fancy yourself in whole or in part as a pixie, elf, fairy, or similar creature, I hope to hear from you." Yeah, if any of you Dusty Books & Pictures readers fit that description, I'm happy to be the matchmaking messenger (peterpan@pixyland.org). Tell you what, Randy, a guy came to the store where I work last December and went into the bathroom and scrawled a message on the wall with a Sharpie that served the same purpose as your website with much more efficient speed:
"12-29-02
W-M-38
looking for horney white or hispanic guys 17-32 yrs. I want to suck dick and swallow cum that is shot in my mouth. Let's meet in the 1st flr. of JC Pennys in the mall. Today!!! Make your dick hard at the urinal. 1:15-2:45pm. There is a peephole... or: lv. me an e-mail message of the time, place, when, and where we can meet at cancersage2002@yahoo.com."
Then there's a horizontal line and, seemingly as an afterthought, the author says "I also like to be fucked in the ass!!" Don't we all.
At the bottom of the site is this message: "If you are (or think you may be) Tinkerbell, click the image to the right for a more serious look into the heart of 'Peter'." I'm too scared to look (I do not want to see this guy's chest), but if you can't stand the suspense, let me know what you see.
Hey, maybe I'm the close-minded one for finding all this so laughable. But suppressing myself is wrong, huh Peter? All in all it's sad that a guy who's so open about his personality quirks still can't find the door out of the you-know-where. But I think I may know Tinker Bell, and his name is Chris Stone! Check it out (right)! And I wish Chris and Randy/Peter a long happy life of hot gay sex together.
VOCABULARY WORD OF THE WEEK
moorlands (n.) - land consisting of moors
"I hid the body in the moorlands outside Grandma's."
I FOUND IT ON THE ROAD
This worksheet comes from my French III class, taught by Mademoiselle Eadie in the fall of 1999. My command of the French language is primal at best all these years later, but one thing I've never forgotten, thanks to this gorgeous picture given to me as part of a verb review, is that "mourir" means "die." So step into the house of etre, where the foul stench of death always lingers, yet somehow life goes on.
I have received a report from a friend in Canada that his teacher utilized this same worksheet, meaning that the evil is spreading quickly. I hope it continues to do so.
FROM THE ARCHIVES
I found this picture in a magazine under Junior's mattress. I am not sure exactly what it means. I do know a few things -- first, that this profane evil, unlike the evil above, must be stopped. Second, the face on the "Crack Bits" bag is the face of Satan -- and finally, I want some of this delicious snack treat from the depths of Hell. Let me know if you see them in a store.
ENEMIES LIST. Jay Leno
Why Jay Leno is the first addition to my coveted Enemies List:
1. His show is fucking awful. Yet it has more viewers than Letterman.
2. Listen to his voice for five minutes and that's reason enough for him to be here.
3. This is his sense of humor: If he was making fun of that Peter Pan site above, he would just put Osama Bin Laden's head on Randy's body... and THAT WOULD BE THE JOKE. Then Kevin Eubanks would go "Hah! Hah! Hah! Hah!" for ten minutes and Jay would go "Ah, ya know what?" and he'd jump out of the "studio" and do this completely retarded contrived bit where he goes in a plane and drives in a Hummer or whatever to Saddam's bunker and fixes him up with Bin Laden. Then while he's standing there at the wedding he turns to the camera and goes "We'll be right back with Sarah McLachlan!"
4. Why would he pick for a bandleader such a nonentity as Kevin Eubanks, who manages the scarcely-possible... he has LESS PERSONALITY than fucking Max Weinberg? That's not *his* fault, how should he have known he'd get this great gig on the damned Tonight Show? I'd take the job too, and I'd laugh like a moron like he does.
5. He shakes the hands of the people in the front row. I hate that. How bigheaded. Ooh, wow, Jay Leno shook my hand, I'll never wash again!
6. His Headlines segment, although funny, is suspiciously identical to David Letterman's "Dumb Ads" segment and National Lampoon's immortal "True Facts."
7. His chin.
8. He rides a motorcycle.
9. His wife's name is Mavis.
10. Worst of all: He is partially to blame for the crisis that is Arnold Schwarzenegger's election as governor of California. We all know dumbasses like Arnold love to get as much attention as they possibly can or else they'd never make movies like "Eraser." Aside from being a vile chauvanist and a pretty bad actor, he is simply not a politician (even though most of those are vile chauvanists and probably all would have been bad actors; Ronald Reagan certainly was). And if there ever was a time when I wished television had never existed, this was it. California is a beautiful state where there are a lot of serious problems... and the ideal reaction to that is to elect a guy to a position of power because of name recognition? Because he was in "The Terminator"? Because he's married into the American approximation of the Royal Family? From what I can gather, the man knows less about politics than I do, and I'm not exactly Noam Chomsky or even Henry Kissinger. (I know, I'm modest.) If that's incorrect, why didn't he do anything to prove me wrong during the supposed "debates"? He never addressed his political beliefs to any significant degree. Oh, yeah, he didn't have to because he knew the fucking idiots would elect him anyway. The only good thing about this is he can't make any movies for four years... Anyway, getting back to Leno (whew!), you have to put some of this on him, for encouraging such an event to commence on his little show to get as much attention as possible. It is not a third-rate comedian's place to try to set political change in motion, especially if he's doing it because of a person's stature and popularity.
I guess it's safe to say that I stay away from NBC 'till 12:35, and you probably don't have to ask where I am instead. Usually right here working on this stupid page... but if not... yeah.
So that's it. Almost two years ago I said I was in this for the long haul. And this time, I mean it, so as Lou Reed once said, "we should get used to each other."
Until next time...
n.