WEEKLY DISPATCH #7
1-9-04:
The history of Dusty Books & Pictures related to you here last week was the whitewashed version. Now that the site opening has gone down well, I can reveal the truth, which you can see immortalized here (left). I wanted to get the thing up and I was so pleased with what existed that I showed it to everybody way too early and then took forever finishing it. What a loser, right?
The sad truth is that in the year it took to do all this so many new developments have taken place in the world of personal homepages that mine is now mildly obsolete... at best. And it kills me to say this, but I have been upstaged, on every count. I came across this page belonging to a person I do not know and to whom I've never spoken and probably never will... and it's remarkable enough to find me questioning with some seriousness whether or not I've gone about this website thing in the best possible fashion.
The author of the site is a student whose eloquence humbles me to a punishing degree. This person is doing something I'm trying to do... and reaching a place that seems to consistently escape my grasp.. and he's not the only one.
So let's not beat around the bush. The necessary steps are clear. To begin with, I owe it to you all to explain why this site has maddened me, and I will be doing so extensively, page by page, point by point. Ordinarily this would be a "link of the week," but this is too important for me to throw down there where you bastards will probably never see it. Yeah, I'm talking about you.
When you approach Matt's website, the first thing you notice is the explosive wit of the "Don't Do Crack, We Really Mean It This Time" tag... I really laugh every time I see that. It's like, ooh, those people are gonna really get me, right? I'm glad Matt sees through the charade of the War on Drugs.
The page's title is "Hi I'm Matt, Welcome to My Craptacular Web Site." You have no heart if this self-effacing humor does not charm the pants off you. But Matt has no veneer; he is entirely unguarded. The stark headline in his news section: "My Future Unfolds"... and you can feel it when you read those words. The portrait he then paints is moving to an extent I can never hope to touch. "I woke up the other day to find my best friend Joe standing over me. I asked him what was up and he said that he was leaving for the army and that he was going around saying his goodbyes. He then left my room. I put on pants, a shirt, and put in my contacts and walked out to the computer room. I could hear him talking to my mom. My bottom lip was quivering. It was weird. Hot water began to come out of my eyes and it didn't stop for a long time."
When it turns out that Joe can't do the Army thing yet, Matt is thrilled to learn that "We can do the buddy system where we both sign up and go through basic training together. That makes me so happy. I've got to get into proper shape by then." Hot water is coming out of my eyes by now.
Matt's site has a poll. Mine doesn't. He has more guestbook entries than I do. But let's get past these admittedly huge aesthetic concerns and take a gander at his site's content and how much it pummels my own.
MEET MATT
DB&P equivalents: who the hell?; FAQ
"I've had life pretty much figured out from a very early age and therefore I have no worries, have a carefree attitude, and enjoy life the way it was meant to be through, among other things, art, music, and laughter." *sigh* Wow.
"Who am I? It's a question we've probably all asked ourselves at one point or another." How true, Matt. Unlike most of us, though, Matt has a pretty clear answer: "I'm a thinker, I'm a comedian, I'm a writer, I'm a smart ass, I am the proprietor of this website, I'm a dreamer, I'm a fighter, I'm an artist, I'm a musician, I'm a photographer, I'm a student, I'm a friend, I'm an enemy, I am many things to many people but I'll always be Matt." It must be nice to be able to describe oneself with such precision. The majority of my own site is taken up with pointless fluff in an attempt to answer the same question. I could free up so many megabytes if I had Matt's skills.
You can tell by his "mug" that Matt is a music expert, and he proves it with an impressive rundown of his faves: "Switchblade Abortion, CKY, Bad Reception, and Weezer." I have only heard of one of those, so the other three must be awesome. I won't even name my favorite bands here, but it's a pathetic list and I think I could stand to broaden my horizons a little, so I'll be picking up some Bad Reception discs at the store tomorrow.
And I like Matt's confidence... he names Spike Jonze (left), Quentin Tarantino (right), and himself (above) as his favorite film directors. Himself! Wow, for him to mention himself in the same sentence as such prolific masters as Jonze and Tarantino, he must be pretty damn good! When his first feature hits multiplexes, which won't be long I'm sure, I'll be the first in line and I'll gloat at the rest of you that I heard of him first.
Compare this lofty assurance to my tenuous, incoherent Fake Plastic Films page; some of the stuff mentioned there doesn't even exist! I mean, it's one thing to exaggerate and another to lie, and I'm guilty of both, and deeply ashamed.
Matt isn't afraid to admit that most of his favorite reading material is in comic book form. It's good that some of us haven't been seduced by the sinister, alluring power of the written word. I'm tired of the way books have taken over our society and I'm hoping more people like Matt will discover the hard-won truths and philosophies of X-Men, Spider Man, and their ilk.
"Items I've sold off MattBay: 2." I haven't sold ANY. Why??? A good question. A very good question. But I can't play guitar either, and looky here: "I'm currently teaching myself to play guitar. Hey if teaching yourself is good enough for Eddie Van Halen, it's good enough for me." Well, I don't know who that Eddie guy is (I hope Matt never sees this; I'll be so embarrassed!), but if teaching yourself is good enough for Matt, I'm gonna start immediately.
According to this page, Matt has twelve friends. That's ten more than I have! What gives? As if I need to ask... I'm not a socialite of Matt's caliber. Among the A-list is, I assume, Katie (Holmes of Dawson's Creek fame), the two Joes (Lieberman and Mantegna), Matt (Damon), Michael (J. Fox), the late Bobby (Kennedy), and David (Byrne). What an impressive clique!
Next comes the big J-O-B question. "I don't really know. I've wanted to do thousands of different jobs. I've wanted to be a paleontologist, a mechanical engineer, a vet. More recent job interests have been band member, graphics designer, and scriptwriter/director." We need more of these Renaissance men in the world but they're just not being produced fast enough, even as the population swells.
When some heartless person asks "Why are you so gay?", Matt's immediate reply: "Well, I'm happy for a lot of reasons." Ah-ha! You see, although the word "gay" is now frequently used as a slang to note a homosexual, usually male, its older but lesser-known meaning is "happy," ironically enough since homosexuals have nothing to be happy about considering that they will burn in Hell for all eternity!!
And what do I offer? Some fleeting, half-hearted gag page explaining my identity in a manner that will only confuse the reader. Shame on me for not giving the good people who visit DB&P the benefit of the doubt.
THE HAT
DB&P equivalent: none
On this page Matt shows us a baseball cap which is "better than mere mortals like yourselves." I don't have a page like this because I don't have such a wonderful hat. That's a major problem that goes beyond the boundaries of the Internet and I hope that someday I can hold my head high and display the name and logo of my favorite sports team.
MATTBAY
DB&P equivalent: trading post
Matt's No Bullcrap Selling Service is a revolution in Internet shopping. Sure, Matt used to be an EBayer, but times change and it became clear to him that "the stuff they had was inferior to something I could make on my own." So he has, and he has a dizzying selection of items, ranging from the the 1997 Smash Mouth album FUSH YU MANG to the 1999 Smash Mouth album ASTROLOUNGE. There is also "a cool picture" drawn by the man himself! Being the smart guy he is, webmaster Matt only accepts checks, cash, or money order, and as your typically wise businessman, he assumes no responsibility for money lost in the mail, and he waits until your check clears to send you your shit.
Matt's also looking for a few things... a car, a guitar, firecrackers... much simpler and more useful things than the requests on my Trading Post page: videotapes of a specific Get Smart marathon, books in some Choose Your Gay Crap series nobody's ever even heard of, and Hollyridge Strings LPs and CDs. What the hell was I thinking!?
MATT AS WOLVERINE
DB&P equivalent: none whatsoever
If I ever claimed to be impressed by Peter Pan's Home Page, I take it back. This guy is just... so awesome. I wish I looked that good in a Wolverine outfit.
BAD RECEPTION'S HOMEPAGE
DB&P equivalent: Plaastik
Oh my God! That band Matt mentioned earlier, Bad Reception, actually is his band! He fooled me... I've never heard them, but I'm a huge fan. That's because although they've never actually recorded or played, the fact remains that they are a force to be reckoned with, even though their drummer has already left. I feel sorry for him, as he is clearly missing out on a future of ridiculous fame and fortune.
Although I wept with everyone else after reading in the fanzines that the BR drummer had departed following a tense game of miniature golf, the loss has actually only made the signature BR sound more unique, with its deadening two-guitar-and-bass-and-DJ percussion-free attack. No one else can compare with the sonic bliss they will produce when they play for the first time.
"You should go make a band of your own instead of being jealous of mine," Matt says. And I did, but Plaastik is... I don't know, it was such a lofty and silly creation and it has nothing that rings true the way BR does. And the Plaastik page does not have that cool fadein effect.
But what we really want to know is... where did they get that wonderful name? In a spine-tingling flaming pie moment, Matt recounts the historic evening: "I was talking to a friend online who is a huge Cardinals baseball fan. He was upset because he couldn't get the game to come in right. So I said 'Bad reception, huh?'. Then I thought to myself... That's not such a bad idea for a band name. So that's where the name comes from." Eureka! How often do creative forces strike with such joyful glee? Plenty often, if you're a timebomb of brilliance like Matt Ritter.
WHERE TO WRITE TO =w=
DB&P equivalent: I'm not sure.
Once I figured out what "=w=" meant, I realized that I had actually always wanted to know where I could write =w=. This page tells you exactly how you can reach those crafty composers of hook-laden masterworks, and it contains a nice helping of good-natured ribbing from Matt, not the heavy-handed, confrontational vindictive humor so often a feature of Dusty Books & Pictures. I could take lessons from this.
PAST WHAT'S GOIN' ONS?
DB&P equivalent: what's new
The news archive. Why the sporadic updates? "I forgot the password. I figured it out though. I'm a clever one." See? Even Matt Ritter is human.
WANTED
DB&P equivalent: are you kidding?
"WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. P.O. Box 322 Oakview, CA 93022. You'll get paid when we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before." Before you ask, I've already written to him and I am bouncing off the walls all day every day wondering if I will be the chosen one. I couldn't find a good picture of me anywhere so I sent one of Mary Romatic. Since she's such a fox, I should have no trouble getting the go-ahead to accompany Matt on his treacherous journey.
THE NEXT PRESIDENT
DB&P equivalent: dunno. maybe I should cut this out.
HAHAHAHA! Man, that's some funny stuff. He's giving him a really high-minded title because he looks like such a bum, get it? Man, I'm gonna hang a picture of that guy up in my locker when I go back in time with Matt and return to high school. My friends'll be all "What the fuck?" and I'll be all "Ha HA! Ha HA!" Hey, I wonder where Matt found this picture?
AMISH RAKE FIGHTING
DB&P equivalent: Ann Coulter thing
"I heard about this from my friend Kyle, who heard it from his brother. All credit goes to Kyle! What you do is have two guys with rakes. Then they start hacking away in a furious melee. They basically fight until they can't go on any longer. As the name suggests its one of the many things those crazy Amish like to do when they aren't raising a barn. The point is this, its a very stupid sport but I bet its hilarious to watch!"
Man, do they really do this shit? I always had a feeling that Amish were idiotic psychopaths, and this proves it. I'm sure Kyle's brother is a pretty together guy and he wouldn't make this up. Hey, I bet they show Amish rake fighting on ESPN2!!! Hahahah! Because they show all those really weird obscure foreign sports, get it? Hahahahahahahahaha! But nobody knows because nobody watches ESPN2 and the fans are all Amish and they can't watch TV!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Matt asks anyone with any information about the delicate art of Amish rake fighting to email him (mailto:AgentofChaos34@hotmail.com). If you do know something, tell me first! And if you hear from Matt, please let me know because I really want his autograph.
FUN THINGS TO DO IN ARNOLD
DB&P equivalent: Noel on the Presidents
Matt's friend Matt has provided this list, which includes watching paint dry and watching grass grow. Wow! I guess this Arnold town is a pretty boring place, huh? It must be if this crazy guy things watching paint dry is fun. Man, that Matt has some wild friends.
Me, I grew up in a small town myself and I spent long afternoons viewing TLC. They had documentaries about carpet tacks, and sex. But in Arnold, things get ugly! Matt notes the joy of melting things and blowing them up. I have to confess that my concern for the well-being of the residents of Arnold was mounted, and I hope Matt's friend knows that combining gasoline and fire is NOT FUN, it is VERY DANGEROUS and someone could be seriously hurt, even killed!
My admiration for Matt Ritter remains, but I'm not so sure about this other Matt.
It must be nice to have collaborators, though. On my site there's a page buried which has something I did with some Kieran guy I hardly even know, and to be honest our perception of U.S. presidents through the tinted glass eyes of Oasis' Noel Gallagher maybe would have been funny in 1994, but the world has moved on now. Even in its weaker moments, you see, Matt's page destroys mine.
WILLIAM!
DB&P equivalent: Pop Up Marc
Wow, this is a picture of Matt's friend William, another pretty crazy guy I guess, in his TRUE FORM, evidently as a murderous, younger version of the character Yoda from THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980). I'll have to stay away from this William! I'm glad Matt took the time to scan this pic in so I'd receive this information.
I have drawings from friends on my site. However, I have not seen any of them in at least two years. They are all evil, but I pray for them.
ALL THE PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO THANK
DB&P equivalent: introduction
Small wonder that Matt is a popular enough guy that he has to compress his thank-yous to a first-name-only basis. A gracious fellow indeed, he even thanks a dead animal or two, at least one inanimate object, and every girl that's caught his eye. I wish I'd thought of that. Oh, and he thanks his brain. I'd do the same but it seems like a silly thing to do if it hasn't helped you much... not that my pathetic brain could do much anyway. I think I'll take a gun to my skull and blow it out all over the wall tomorrow.
Anyway, oh, you can't miss the subtle humor of the thanks page! *SPOILERS* *********** PLEASE DON'T READ ON IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GIVE AWAY THE INCREDIBLE SECRET ENDING OF THE THANKS PAGE *************
[SPOILER SPACE]
[SPOILER SPACE]
[SPOILER SPACE]
At the top, y'see, Matt says he'd "like to thank the following people." As you read the comma-separated list that follows, your memory of the heading gradually disappears when you become involved with the names that scroll by. Then comes the punchline: "But I'm not going to." And then you wonder for just a second what the fuck it means before glancing up at that large font and realizing that you've been put on! If I could ever write with a fraction of this genius, I'd be rich in a heartbeat. (Matt could have money if we wanted it, but he's too serious about his craft for that.)
=w=
DB&P equivalent: Beach Boys reviews
Oh, man. This is Matt's page dedicated to his favorite band ever, and what a great choice, Weezer. This is a seriously devoted fan page, but it's also quite a piece of work in its own right. It has a quote at the top, so you can tell it is art.
The opening passage reads: "Weezer [actually, it says, "weezer," I assume because the band is so good they don't need capital letters] is a very under appreciated band. Not many people even know about them." Get this: I was embarrassed to admit it, but even I had never even heard of Weezer until stumbling upon this webpage, and my friends consider me -- in my company, at least -- a virtual encyclopedia of rock music knowledge.
Let me digress for a minute here to prove it. Last night I was all talking about Bradley Nowell and how he is so like the best guitarist, you know, EVER, and this longhaired grungy looking dude came in all "Who the fuck's Brad Nowell?" and I was all "Dude, he's the guy from Sublime." This guy -- oh, man, this needs a separate paragraph.
He goes "Man, that Sublime shit sucks. What the fuck, man? 'I pop a cap in Sancho and I slap her down.' Jimmy Page could play better than that motherfuckin' cuntrag in his sleep." Oh, man. You did not want to witness me then. I let him have it and he was so scared like a little pussy he finally walked out of the room. And who the fuck is Jimmy Page, anyway? Some Twisted Sister guy, probably. So where was I?
Right, the Weezer page. Okay, so just to demonstrate Matt Ritter's music journalism skills (gawd, this guy is eclectic), compare the first paragraph of his Weezer, uh, weezer biography...
"The members of weezer began forming on the west coast in the early nineties. Essentially, they were all introduced by or met a guy named Pat Finn. Rivers, Pat, and Matt played in various short lived bands together and individually, and with the addition of Jason Cropper on guitar, weezer was truly born on Valentines Day (February 14), 1992. The line up consisted of Rivers Cuomo, lead vocals and guitar, Jason Cropper, acoustic guitar; Matt Sharp, bass and backing vocals; and Patrick Wilson on drums. They all shared close living quarters and spent their time rocking out in the infamous garage."
...to Stephen Thomas Erlewine's opening paragraph on the weezer page at allmusic.com:
"As one of the most popular groups to emerge in the post-grunge alternative rock aftermath, Weezer received equal amounts of criticism and praise for their hook-heavy guitar pop. Drawing from the heavy power pop of arena rockers like Cheap Trick and the angular guitar leads of the Pixies, Weezer leavened their melodies with doses of '70s metal learned from bands like Kiss. But what set the band apart was their geekiness. None of the members of Weezer, especially leader Rivers Cuomo, were conventional rockers — they were kids that holed up in their garage, playing along with their favorite records when they weren't studying or watching TV."
Sure, the facts are there, but where's the leaping, bold sentence structure? The sense of storytelling and wonder? The mythological swagger? Where are the Aeolian cadences ringing faintly as Ritter's paragraph ends? Obviously there's no contest here.
Each member of weezer has his VERY OWN PAGE. Not even Plaastik got that red-carpet treatment.
"Remember, if it's too loud, turn it down."
THE LETTER TO RIVERS CUOMO
DB&P equivalent: see below
It takes a lot of spunk to go after a dream, and by writing to the leader of weezer, telling him all about his life, dreams, and opinions in great detail, Matt has made a statement I think everyone can admire. He even invites Cuomo to sign his guestbook. The fact that he doesn't seem to have done so only proves that all rock stars are heartless, evil nincompoops, but I admire Matt for being able to see beyond that. I really do.
In a bit I will tell you about my attempt to write to a hero of my own.
WHY TICKETMASTER IS A BUNCH OF COMMUNISTIC BASTARDS AND ALMOST SCREWED ME OUT OF A =w= CONCERT
DB&P equivalent: my livejournal, probably
Communism was a far-left political movement spearheaded by Karl Marx, its success peaking in the early-to-mid-20th century. Communism is also evil and communists should all be shot dead.
Ticketmaster, or Ticketbastard, Matt Ritter here argues, is run on a communist regime of its own, using sinister and cruel "ticket-raffle" methods to dish out seats at weezer concerts. Well, we'll see about that. My belief, and I'm sure Matt's as well, is that the National Guard should be called in to Ticketmaster's corporate offices to immediately exterminate all employees of this socialist, unAmerican corporation. Gas chambers could be used to more efficiently kill Ticketmaster officials, and we could use modern garbage disposal technologies to prevent the corpses from being a nuisance and, among other things, wasting space that can be used by more wholesome and enlightened people.
(By the way, judging from what I know of this Rivers character -- "Rivers doesn’t believe in birthdays... He also doesn’t believe in eating meat which is just insanity" -- he seems like a communist too. Must remember to do more research on that.)
I'll come to Ritter's rescue on this one.
I swear I will, Matt.
OTHER SITES TO VISIT WHEN YOU'RE DONE HERE
DB&P equivalent: links
When I first discovered Matt's page I noticed that one thing was missing that I felt should be there: a link to www.dusty-books.com. So I fired off a letter, told Matt I adored his page, and begged for a slot on his links page.
I never received an answer, but in a sense I'm glad. Now that I have had time to think and study I realize that the Dusty Books & Pictures venture was a mistake and there's no need for it to be on Matt's link page, or indeed for it to exist at all.
So I'm putting in my notice.. this is it. I'll be taking the site down tomorrow because I can't compete with the true visionaries of the web. It's been fun, it destroyed me, goodbye, so what?
LINK OF THE WEEK. Emptyjay.
I have always adored this wonderful page formerly listed on Yahoo! on one of the famous search engine's most intriguing categories, "Ugly Pages." Unfortunately, "Empty Jay," apparently an evangelist of sorts, took the site down and now it is hosted at dusty-books.com it all of its incomprehensible glory. I don't think it needs any additional comment. Just go.
VOCABULARY WORD OF THE WEEK
schist (n.) - a metamorphic crystalline rock
Do you want me to throw this schist at your face?
I FOUND IT ON THE ROAD
Stephanie and I bought a second VCR recently in order to participate in America's favorite pasttime, video piracy. The manual is, at least, in English, but I can't imagine that the illustrations seen here are the work of anyone but a German dadaist with a wicked streak.
The "correct" picture at left suggests that if you mount your television on a shelf of some sort, you will be able to watch Jim Henson's Muppet Babies participate in professional soccer.
The intriguing picture on the right is another matter -- a harsh criticism of the social climate in Europe today, as millions of Europeans who spend all day watching soccer cause mounting confusion all around them (?!!?), which results in a psychological disorder popularly called buzz! buzz!. Those infected with the disease compulsively move furniture, as seen here with the VCR being shoved haphazardly from above the television set to underneath it. Don't try this at home unless you want buzzing, question marks, and exclamation points to invade your residence.
FROM THE ARCHIVES
When most people take pen to brick for some good old-fashioned defacing of others' property, it's either a "fuck the system"-type anarchic statement or a joke, usually a painfully stupid one. Occasionally it's someone like cancersage2002 (see "link of the week" in the last Dispatch) who wants some action. And once in a while you run into people who think this is the perfect opportunity to make an artistic statement.
For my money, this is the most damaging and contemptible of all of the above. This little piece of surrealism has no filter of any kind; anyone who sees this dumpster has it thrown at them, and if you want to judge it... it's on a dumpster, so why bother?
With much more efficient ways to do this in our high-tech era, those who possess an unerring grip on the methods of the past are, to my mind, a pack of commie rats. The implications of this picture go beyond the dumpster and into all of our lives, like so many rotting possums.
Should we buy this person a canvas? No. Let's look up at the sun, hold up a candle, and pray that the man or woman responsible for this eye/hand hybrid finds Jesus and is thus saved from the substances that must produce such stark, unforgiving visions.
ENEMIES LIST. Joe Lieberman
I don't like to use this as a political venue so I'll keep it short, which, judging by the word count on this Dispatch, is something I need to do more often anyway. Anybody from a "liberal" party who is obsessed with the supposed impact of violence in television, film, and art on youth (one of the saddest excuses for a political platform in our nation's history) and accuses those with a stance farther left than his of dragging his party out into the "political wilderness"... well, let's just say he illustrates the extent to which our two-party system has stooped to the intellectual value of a Benny Hill episode. I'll move on now. Will you?
Choice sentiment of the week: "Well I went to German day and won 1st place in the advanced German spelling bee. That's freakin' cool. I love having a website because you never know what's going to happen. Some jackass left a message on the poll that says I brag too much. Fuck you, you don't have a web site, you're probably not smart enough to make one and you're a coward because everyone knows that to really insult someone you do it in the Guestbook. What a dumbass!" - Matt Ritter
buzz! buzz!,
n.
(Total word count: 4837, compared to last week’s 2855. Ohhhh yeah! Well, now it's 4852.)