WEEKLY DISPATCH #16



7-16-04:

I'm feeling pretty world-weary this week. Sometimes it just feels like it's not worth it. Everything is so dreary... Martha Stewart's in prison, Pimp My Ride is still popular, and John Kerry isn't getting any less ugly. Also I can't help but notice that I seem to have turned the Weekly Dispatch into a forum for my own ridiculous social opinions, and for that I apologize, because only COLD HARD FACTS are worth communicating. So it's time for an overhaul.

There's only one thing in the world that can cheer me up.

Sex? No.

TV? No.

Food? No.

Robots? YES.

Robots are awesome. Especially giant robots. Robots are kind of like people because they can perform actions, but actually they're machines. Some examples of robots are R2D2, HAL 9000, the one in SHORT CIRCUIT, and Morrissey. (AHHA YOU THOUGHT I WUZ GONNA SAY AL GORE HAHA). Robots can do menial tasks and can be tortured. Teams of cooperating robots make good planetary explorers.

Oh my god, I love robots. They can make cars. High schoolers can build them because the mechanics are so simple in this technological age. In my town there is a community college, Cape Fear Community College. They have two robots. One of them can talk. The other one is just an arm. The ones that can talk are the best.

Sometimes robots are really small, like one fourth of a cubic inch. Those are some of the coolest robots around. NASA has some pretty sophistictaed robots, I hear. Sometimes robots have guns, and I don't know if that's good or not.

Some people say that robots will change us forever and that someday they might steal our jobs. These people are quacks. No robot could do what I could do for a living. Assuming that it is even possible it would take at least a dozen robots, and I don't think Alex Lee Inc. would spring for that if they can't even afford a third slicer. Anyway, Stephen Hawking will always protect us from robots when they go bad.

Also, robots will never engage in social activity and conversation with humans like C3PO or have personal relationships and love affairs with humans like that Asimov rule-breaking moron Data.

I asked various intellectuals at the Robotics Panel what their opinion was of robots. These are some of their insightful replies.


"Robots make me sleepy. Whenever I see one, I just feel like taking a nap."

"I want a robot me to go to work for me so that I'm not up at half bastard six (now)."

"a/s/l?"

"MACHINES
DESERVE
RESPECT, TOO."

"SmarterChild: I like robots."

"What do I like best about robots? I'm not sure actually."

"What is a good thing about robots? Try asking yourself that."

"Well, people whose opinions I respect tell me they like robots."

"Hmm... I'm a little bored. Let's not talk about robots any more. "

"What is it like to be a robot? What a question! What do you think is the answer?"

"I love em all. If I could get one to clean up after Max I'd be the happiest Mom on the planet."

Seriously, there is nothing wrong with robots AT ALL. Look, I love 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, it's the only movie I can think of that I would be willing to watch every day, but I'm not worried about getting killed by PMSing computers and robots. The bitches only do what they're programmed to do by humans. They'll never have emotions because they're dumbasses, probably even dumber than chickens. I love them anyway. But all this artificial intelligence crap is a little, y'know, fruity, and robots are anything but. To prove it, I asked one robot if he liked the clitoris. He said "Yeah, I guess I like the clitoris. Do you?" RED-BLOODED HETEROSEXUAL AMERICAN.




Let me make this clear -- I would like to be a robot because robots are better than I could ever dream of being. I have it all figured out. Would you buy a robot that talked to you but all it could say was "Wow! I want some!"? If it was $6.99, of course. You could adjust the volume. It would double as a sink. And it would be me. You need a sink.

By the way, I'm actually not feeling world-weary at all this week, I'm happy as a clam, but so you know, A HUNDRED PEOPLE DIED WHILE YOU WERE READING THIS, YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT. EVERYONE HATES YOU.



LINK OF THE WEEK. Focus on the Family
"What can I do to support the Federal Marriage Amendment?" "How can a student at a secular college sustain a Christian worldview?" "Yard sales yield interesting finds -- some of eternal value."

This comedic masterpiece of a website has everything from extensive music reviews to sex advice. I don't really think reading the Bible should constitute foreplay, personally, but what do heretics like me know?

These are some damn picky Christians! "To you the Bible is true because you believe it... I believe it because it is true." Potato, poTATo.

Most mindbending thing I've seen all week, including that appalling Deep Purple video on VH1 Classic: "Today’s young people believe truth is not true until they choose to believe it. They believe that the act of believing makes things true. Worse still, they believe those things will be true only until they choose to believe something else."

Hardcore religious people wonder why so many find it hard to take them seriously, then they come up with stuff like this. Sheesh. No further comments.


VOCABULARY WORD OF THE WEEK.

torpid (adj.) - sluggish; lacking vigor
The sex had become increasingly torpid during the three decades.



I FOUND IT ON THE ROAD.
Actually, I made this a long time ago and I just found it in the closet. I have been known to chase unwelcome individuals around the house with this trusty device, and it has sent them screaming into the night. I refuse to come anywhere near firearms, and for those who wonder how I plan to defend myself if a burglar marches in, well, I don't need a gun, all I need is this thing.



FROM THE ARCHIVES.


you have a whole in your head jackie. you know what that is. that's my first chicken pox. wow it was a pretty big chicken pox. yeah it is isn't it? Kind of looks like someone hit you in the head with a shovel. RAAAAAANDDDYYY HA HA HA AHAHA HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA (jackie) and you have rosacea




ENEMIES LIST. Larry
My whole life, with every attempt I have ever made to do anything, Larry has been there to thwart me. He is always three steps ahead. When I was looking for an apartment, Larry rented every single one in town! There were no vacancies anywhere! Larry released flies into my home just to frustrate me. Larry dragged my favorite living room rug around town on the back of his pickup truck. I asked him what he was doing, he said he was trying to "create the world's dirtiest carpet."

I don't know why I ever let him borrow my tape recorder. I just don't fucking know.

Larry is wont to call me on the phone and hang up as soon as I say "Hello?" And then one time I looked under the bed, and there was Larry! Just sitting there with an appointment book, eavesdropping and writing down all my plans for the next day. When I kicked him out he set up shop in the foundation of the house. The cops said I can't do anything because no one can prove he's down there... you can't see him, he's too handsome.

Larry gets all the best women and steals all of my clothes. And I am getting sick and tired of it.

So I'm going to kill him tomorrow. And everyone else whose name is Larry. Until then...

Wow! I want some!,
n.