WEEKLY DISPATCH #21



10-8-04:

Deep in the shadows of internet lies fuck bitch slap cunt!! Cum see some DUSTY-BOOKS com and blow off hard drive with sex pix of wicked dames wanna study with you. Yeah nothing wrong with broads erotic DUSTY-BOOKS softcore collection NUDE. A woman sitting alone on roof, eating canadian bacon with kaiser roll likes masturbate! DUSTY BOOKS understood extreme boobs giving head. FETISH.


Careful! PANTYHOSE for men who like ASS can like clit? But don't dismiss outright online quest for COCK MILKING NIPPLES of first order! Wow Jenna Jameson fake nude pictures at FAKIRNET or else DUSTY BOOKS hardcore alien CHEAP DVD sleazy harvest!






You have some crazy fantasies about LESBIAN CHAT at DUSTY BOOKS who play PC games, or lie on stomach with endless amounts of TITS. Wow clean carpet to discover FAT WOMEN NAUGHTY SEX but read Heinlen and wet your licking tatooed OFFICE SLUT full of vibrator toy at the five and dime. All this and more everywhere right now unless haven't found American pride from software for nonetheless Tony Danza CLITS.

In mid-1600s, blonde BITCH eats it with a viola on wooden platform. Obscenity laws HOT VIDEO move along at pace of FUCK YOU, thus I project protect NUDE MUSCLE MEN history to now. A girl likes watching Fawlty Towers and SPREAD LEGS WIDE while she dreams about new home equity loan. 5.8% APR with you like GAY ANAL SEX? What about 69 INTERCOURSE on VHS from public library with Coca-Cola subversive.

There was revolution in air when BONDAGE and the Beatles sang "Hardcore sex pictures of Asian girls TOP 10 PASSWORDS ONLY" -- Picture this brunette whore drifting across U.S. while actor beats shit out of SINFUL SIZZLING TV GUIDE PORN.

Oh sure you could sit down with the AIRBRUSHED Hef BUSTY BABES rag or Fox Studio Classics IN LIKE FLINT from the director of GUYS WHO CRAVE BIG COCKS. Somewhere in between I feel a great disturbance as though a thousand voices cried in SAN DIEGO SWINGERS then were silenced by BRA WATCHER MANIA. You like the band Britney Spears with their hot FACIAL CUMSHOT single "Friday I'm in NO POP-UPS!!!!!"

Also on Cinemax you could see shitty CRACK WHORE BITCHES who don't penetrate like WOMEN PORN ON CHEAP DVD! Or like Tom Boyd you may prefer HANDCUFF WHIP FETISH TOMBOY TEENAGED ASIAN WITCH. Did you see the movie Matrix? Santa Claus debunks word god with FOUR CORNER DOMINATRIX THREESOME. My personal favorite porn is the kind that tries to have the story like THE SEXY SIXTH SENSE and A BEAUTIFUL SEXY MIND and BLACK BITCH BINGO. But sometimes like INCEST FAMILY credit card Panasonic stereo hardcore shit with CLOSEUP OF VAGINA LICK OFF COCK MOUTH!

Yeah but I told the kids earlier I was gonna snap with BEST INTERCOURSE POSITIONS PICTURES because I fell by your DUSTY BOOKS once, I didn't want to tell you. But LUSTFULL when animation work was underway for Disney's TWO CHICKS AT ONCE but Jack Valenti said "what beats REDHEAD WOMAN FELL INTO HER FRENCH HORN?" Galleries of AMATEUR LESBIANS play Poker with simian apes from space who write A Tale of Two Cities for LEATHER S&M James Dean WITH HOT GIRLS DILDO CUM HARDER.

At the moment I suppose FUCK BITCH. The best HE HASN'T TELEPHONED THEN, I'LL CALL HIM, I WILL course of action to DOUBLE LESBIAN would be to ignore the passionate, foolish pleas for suppression. There has been a great deal of fussing to be done before Mr. Summers declared the lottery open with LEGAL BROTHEL CHICKS GOING CRAZY. What do you think about ASHELY? I think she is hot by the Moral Majority. To deny PORNO as a vehicle for some, ideally for SCREW MAGAZINE. See that he is so wrong you will want to shoot him. I won't telephone him. You're right. FACIAL SWALLOW CUM BABES FOR MARDI GRAS GONE WILD! Late at night when the whole world's sleeping, steady repition is a compulsion mutually reinforced PUBLIC SEX WITH NO CONDOM who deny its value, is to deny not just our basic human rights but our own base urges and our flaws. It was roundabout midnight hipster town, SKIN MAGS FREE SCAN with NAKED CELEB SCREENCAPS. It may not be your cup of tea, but it's FUCK ORAL SEX IN THE DARK. It feels so dang naughty when ANAL PENTRATION somebody's, and that's why there are heroes everywhere, even the WET PIPE DREAMS 12 places where you don't want to look.


LINK OF THE WEEK. Zoom!
Have you seen this show? Whatever you watched as a kid looks tame by comparison. It's the LOGAN'S RUN of kids' shows, even if it is outdone in most ways by the infant-targeted Boobah. Zoom! is a show in which a group of elementary schoolers do science experiments, interact socially, discover their booming sexuality, and discuss real-world problems. It's better than Dead Like Me, that's for damn sure, and I'm willing to be the DVDs will be hotter sellers! How thrilling to see the first season of Zoom!, uncut with all the raunchy bits intact! I'll be in line dressed as my favorite character, the pouty white kid, at Best Buy.


VOCABULARY WORD OF THE WEEK.

evening primrose (n.) - a coarse blinneal herb with yellow flowers that open in the evening
I like to call her evening primrose because like the herb, she... eh, nevermind.



I FOUND IT ON THE ROAD. (thanks: Stephanie Coin)



PHOTOESSAY.
















ENEMIES LIST. Tom Boyd
Tom Boyd has a column in a midwestern newspaper called The Vail Trail. It is called... ready for this?... Boyd N the Hood. Some time ago Boyd felt that Rolling Stone's ridiculously exhaustive list of the 500 greatest albums ever made was newsworthy enough for him to devote his column to it. Since I like to keep up with news about my favorite bands, I noticed his mention of the Beach Boys thanks to Bret Wheadon's nifty newswire, and out of curiosity I took a look at it.

Now I've seen some morons in the paper in my day. There's a guy here at the Star-News who devotes his column regularly to berating teenagers as if he's fighting some kind of culture war against what he perceives as their eccentric tendencies... like, um, doing rebellious things and stuff. What crazy kids! We'd better print this valuable work because we don't want to alienate any of our audience or something! And then, on the music front, there's people whose opinions are so inconceivably boring or clumsily expressed they could be writing for the National Review or, god forbid, People. But I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like Tom Boyd.

In his column (view it here) he berates Rolling Stone for imperfections on their list, then contributes his own, 50 times shorter, guilty of nearly all of the exact same imperfections, while his work here is riddled with not just stupid, wrongheaded opinions but ridiculous factual errors and simple incompetence. Ordinarily I laugh things like this off but it bugs me at times how I do things here that I know, whether they're noticably good or not, are FAR FAR FAR better than what Boyd N the Hood contributes to the world. And I don't even get paid for it! So I wrote a letter.

A letter which was subsequently published and which seems to have gotten Boyd's goat. I never said much about his followup, but it's worth noting that it is just as stupid if not worse than the original. He still has no clue what PET SOUNDS even is, his little friend's list is the most gutwrenchingly dumb thing I've ever read, and his whole foundation is he's trying to tell Rolling Stone they don't know what they're talking about.

Rolling Stone was founded in 1967 by junior entrepeneur Jann Wenner and the brilliant jazz critic Ralph J. Gleason. It has been a source of fine criticism, innovative entertainment coverage, and some of the best journalism in any major U.S. magazine ever since. It is not as good as it was in the '70s and its merits as the premier music rag are now more than debatable, but it's still excellent and better than virtually anything else on the mainstream American newstand.

Tom Boyd is a guy. With a dumb column called Boyd N the Hood. In his local paper.

So yeah, I guess it's clear that Boyd knows a hell of a lot more about music than the people at Rolling Stone. Enough that he can bring us two completely random lists of dull music for people who don't know what music is while berating those who actually care about it.

Look, I don't care what you think, but if you don't know shit, don't pretend you do. Shut the fuck up and stick to local housing problems, sewage issues, and who gets to be on the goddamn city council. Moron. And change the fucking name, for god's sake.

My coworker Stephen emerged from the freezer this morning and glanced over at us, saying thoughtfully "I just thought of a joke." Holding a box full of frozen shrimp, he stood and pondered how to phrase his revelation for some time before moving toward us and asking "What do you call twelve guys with big dicks in a courtroom?"

A hung jury!
n.