NOEL GALLAGHER EXPLAINS
THE HISTORY OF U.S. PRESIDENTS
(as reported by JASON KIERNAN & NATHAN PHILLIPS)

(An excerpt from "Noel Gallagher Explains: US History," the first edition in a new series of "Noel Gallagher Explains" text-and-graphic based books from Houghton-Mifflin, authored by the Oasis guitarist and singer, to be published in 2004. Planned additions to the series include "Chemistry," "British Literature," "Calculus with Analytic Geometry," and "Comparative Politics.")

Right then, here's a primer on what you REALLY need to know about each president before we get onto the boring stuff.

1. George Washington (1789-97)
He got voted unanimously because his fellow statesmen figured there was no way he'd abuse his power, then starts pissing on about how he only accepted "with more diffidence and reluctance than I ever experienced before in my life." What a smartass. Why don't we just put him out of his misery? Bastard died of a sore throat; at least we’ve only cancelled gigs for ‘em.





2. John Adams (1797-1801)
Came in second with everything he did. Even his fuckin’ cousin was better than him, and he has beer named after him now. It’s shite American lager, but, you know, it’s no difference to Our Kid and me. Adams said being vice president was shit. He called it "the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived of his imagination conceived." Wow, John, too bad we can't all be so loaded with money that we can pass judgment on high political office. I mean I can (thirty-six million, count ‘em, albums sold will do that to you), but we all can’t, d’you know what I mean? He was such a crap president his cabinet wrote to Hamilton behind his back for advice, like Damon Albarn still tries with me.


3. Thomas Jefferson (1801-09)
He boned too many slaves, and I’d wager he didn't really care about free speech. He'd probably hate our music. I know I coulda’ written that Declaration of Independence shit. "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" has got nothin’ on "All You Need is Love." Or "The Hindu Times," for that matter.





4. James Madison (1809-17)
He was the last of the original members around and the biggest knobhead yet. He got his congress to kiss his arse and go to war with the King just because he couldn't keep up with Non-Intercourse Acts and all that. He shoulda cleaned out his desk so he'da known what the fuck was going on. Total bollocks.





5. James Monroe (1817-25)
"Era of Good Feeling," my arse. The stupid Americans loved this guy, he was uncontested the second time, but the idiot let the place go down the shithole 'cause he didn't want to piss off his buddies or his late mum. Grabbed everything he saw, Louisiana Purchase and Florida and all that, like a little child, as John sang in "Dear Prudence."





6. John Quincy Adams (1825-29)
I can't tell these idiots apart, they all got the same fookin' names. This one didn't even win the damn election so as far as I'm concerned he doesn't count. Old Hickory's the real #6.







6. Andrew Jackson (1829-37)
Hotheaded gambler who didn't get enough pussy. Sounds like Our Liam, but, come to think of it, he was worse. "Spoils system" was a lot of tripe. Had something going on with that bitch Mrs. Eaton, and he took it out on the Indians he liked to shoot. Old Hickory? No, just an Old fookin’ Hick. What a prick. He ain't #6 either.





6. Martin Van Buren (1837-41)
He held more offices than I’ve drunken cans of lager, but does anybody care what he did? No, 'cause he ain't done nothin’! What a fookin’ waste—he’s like the Guigsy of presidents, d’you know what I mean? Those fucking Whigs were right. Martin Van Ruin ain't a president, he's a lily-fingered aristocrat. You can quote me on that one; I’m sure it’ll be in the NME this Wednesday. At any rate, he still ain't #6.





6. William Henry Harrison (1841)
This one's a fuckin' joke. He prattled on too damn much on inauguration day in the rain so he caught pneumonia and died, just like he deserved, and not a month too soon I might add. He had his damn henchmen giving people threats like "You are too impetuous" and when he died he told his doctor "I wish you to understand the true principles of the government, I wish them carried out, I ask nothing more." Like the doctor gave a shit!





6. John Tyler (1841-45)
The bastard wasn’t even elected, and if he’s second to WHH then you know he’s gotta be shit. Turned out to be a slave-driving redneck in the Confederate Congress.







6. James Knox Polk (1845-49)
Sickly little asshat had the runs the whole time he was in office, then he left and croaked. What a joke.







6. Zachary Taylor (1849-50)
When will these fucking loser presidents end? He ate a bunch of cherries and they killed him. He wasn't lucky enough to have diarrhea for four years like Polk, he just succumbed right away. Always remember to check the dates on your maraschinos, not like this dipshit.






6. Millard Fillmore (1850-53)
This pussy read a lot of books and married some old hag and then just let everybody else make the tough decisions. "Oh, I'm such a pansy I don't know what to do about the slave trade!" It's too bad he didn't eat the tainted cherries as well.






6. Franklin Pierce (1853-57)
Worthless drunk Episcopalian.








6. James Buchanan (1857-61)
I gotta say, I like this fucker, d’you know what I mean? He boned lots of chicks and never married any of the tarts. He also ignored the country's problems, but that's okay because he was a swinging cat. Fooking Burt Bacharach couldn’t have done it better.






7. Abraham Lincoln (1861-65)
What a horrid looking wretch he was, sooty and scoundrelly in aspect, a cross between the nutmeg dealer, the horse-swapper and the nightman. You'd have to be some kind of tool to let some closet fag southern actor shoot you in the head. I'd have done his wife, though.






8. Andrew Johnson (1865-69)
I like this one too. He was so drunk off his ass at inauguration he couldn't even read his speech, much less stand out in the cold for ten days trying to finish it like a fucking moron. The bastards tried to impeach him for some damn reason, but you can't keep a real rock & roller down.







9. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-77)
He had migraines all his life. At least we can write Liam’s off as a constant hangover; Grant’s must’ve been the gods punishing this fookin’ evil twat. Wow, fucker, so you won the war, good for you. But no, those dirty Republicans made him president and he used the White House to loaf around and sleep for eight years. I’ve seen fuckin’ tramps on the dole that did more than this idiot. Fucking lowlife!




9. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-81)
I've searched several libraries and skimmed Bonehead's "Don't Know Much About History" book, and all I can figure out is that this one outlawed "carpetbagging." What the fuck is that? It doesn't sound like much to show for four years of bullshit.






9. James A. Garfield (1881)
His stalker shot him. I can relate, as that little bitch Alanis Morisette has been stalking me since roundabout the time I wrote "Wonderwall." But that’s not to imply that he’s by any means as handsome as The Chief, here. He’s got nothing on me eyebrows.






10. Chester A. Arthur (1881-85)
No backbone. People bitch about the Chinese taking all the jobs so he outlaws the chinks from the country. I bet Bush wishes it was that simple now.







10. Grover Cleveland (1885-89)
Fatass. I'm sure his kiddies loved it when he dressed up like jolly old Saint Nick, but if I was an American, God forbid, I'd dig the assurance that the leader of my country wasn't gonna collapse from a fucking heart attack any minute.






10. Benjamin Harrison (1889-93)
Damn cold-blooded, narrow-minded, prejudiced, obstinate, timid old psalm-singing beardface from Indianapolis. Indianapolis! Me favorite shades got torn up in a car smash there; I don’t trust Indianapolis.






10. Grover Cleveland (1893-97)
Gawd, not this one again.








10. William McKinley (1897-1901)
Blew up Spain, liberated Cuba, stole the Phillippines, went on about the gold standard, and then got shot by a handkerchief. If you say "McKinley" enough times, it begins to sound like "Eddie Vedder," and if you say "Eddie Vedder" enough times it begins to sound like "retard." It ain’t a coincidence.







10. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-09)
Just another damn four-eyed cowboy from the moustache club. I bet he used his Nobel Prize for wanking. Rough Rider my arse.







10. William Howard Taft (1909-13)
Nobody liked this lardass because they had to buy new fooking appliances for the White House just so he could fit in them. His tits sagged farther than Ginger Spice’s, too. And God help me if he didn’t fucking eat as much as her. He got stuck in the goddamn bathtub! Just think, man, some poor government bloke had to go in and see those 332 pounds of flab struggling to get loose.






10. Woodrow Wilson (1913-21)
It's a good thing he achieved everything he did or else what would the right-wingers have to spend the next century debunking and undoing?







11. Warren Harding (1921-23)
I don't care about anything called "Harding" and neither should you.








11. Calvin Coolidge (1923-29)
What a name!









12. Herbert Hoover (1929-33)
"Blah blah chicken in your pot blah blah I'm a fucking tool of the Ford Motor Company in every garage," then the stockmarket crashes and I'm glad just ‘cause it proved this pompous arsehole wrong. He invented the vacuum though, so he didn’t serve for nought.






12. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-45)
FDR just kept going and going and going, like Keith Richards or summat. I prefer the cocky wheelchair guy who married a proto-Ann Landers to the Red-killing psychopath above. Otherwise, see #11.







13. Harry S. Truman (1945-53)
Dropping bombs, holding up newspapers, what a life. He was so intent on impressing people he even faked his middle name.







13. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-61)
Didn't know a damn thing and never learned anything. In 1959, when Castro came to power down in Cuba, Ike just sat on his ass and acted like if he didn't notice what was going on down there, why, maybe Castro would go away or summat. Well, I’ll tell you, I tried that with our first drummer but the twat wouldn’t go away, so I ended up sacking him! The Americans never got a clue though, and he stayed in for two miserable terms.

13. John F. Kennedy (1961-63)
The song "Magic Pie" is actually about him and how I imagine he really felt about things. "There are but a thousand days preparing for a thousand years/ Many minds to educate, and people who have disappeared/ D'you dig my friends?/ D'you dig my shoes?/ I am like a child with nothing to lose but my mind/ My mind." Fucking ace, that. Or at least it was at the time. Anyways, Kennedy was a little shit but he was into all the fast women and I won't count him off for that since it's the real reason I'd want to be president anyway. He’s fookin’ rock ‘n’ roll, but he never played Knebworth, d’you know what I mean?


14. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-69)
Ooh, he's so serious. I'd throw a fucking dart at his face and then take Ladybird out to the yard. Ladybird! I mean, come the fuck on. If he were a song he’d be one of Liam’s demos; what a wanker.








14. Richard M. Nixon (1969-74)
Hey, Dick, I don't care about your stupid dog, now learn to open your damn mouth and pick the right crooks, not the stupid ones.







14. Gerald R. Ford (1974-77)
Will we remember this one? I hope to God I forget him faster than I did the "Be Here Now" sessions. Of course if he survived in my memory after all that charlie I snorted, then I’m probably stuck with him. The Americans shoulda just elected Inspector Clouseau, whose slapstick was a good deal funnier than this scratchy-voiced cunt. Ford couldn’t even make falling on his bum funny. I saw him cry when he lost the election. Pathetic.




14. Jimmy Carter (1977-81)
A peanut redneck with big teeth, he had Charlie Daniels at his shite ceremony. But he is a good guy, and he called me once to tell me how much he dug "Go Let It Out," particularly the couplet "Go let it out/Go let it in." Thx, Jimmy, it is a mega tune, innit?






15. Ronald Reagan (1981-89)
"Haha, yeah, I'm pretty stupid, haha, but remember that Jimmy Carter? Haha. He had big teeth. I used to be an actor, you know. Haha! I married Jane Wyman, fucked her a few times, then ditched her ass! Haha! Yeah, I'm a real pimp! Who's Nancy? I'm the president of what?"







15. George Bush (1989-93)
Americans are so slow they think any old git with a nasal voice has credibility, even if they can't form a complete sentence and they pick the biggest nutjob ever for a running mate.







15. Bill Clinton (1993-2001)
The first rule of lying is that you have to get your story straight. I bet if JFK was all "I did not screw Marilyn" he wouldn't be on about "I did indeed screw Marilyn" a few months later. He probably would have invaded some country to distract everybody, which is the American way; have you examined that whole Bay of Pigs deal recently? Bill called Oasis "cocky" once. Well fuck you, Mr. Swagger, and your wife Tippy, or whoever that slut is. I bet she's out with fat arse Robbie Williams on the side.





15. George W. Bush (2001-)
"Hyuk hyuk. Saddam Hussein is going to bomb your childrens' schools tomorrow. It's true! I'm putting the whole entire world on 'orange alert' for evil terrorists. Watch out for Brits, I heard Tony Blair criticalizing me vaguely so I bet they're out for American blood. I'm gonna kill 'em all! Wanna watch me? Huh? Huh? Huh? Do ya? Huh?" Shurrup, cunt. If I hadn’t have used that "I wish they’d die of AIDS" line on Blur already, I probably would have used it on Bush. In that case, I hope he dies of cancer.


Well there you have it, forty-two presidents, but I only count fourteen real men among ‘em (c’mon, you didn’t think Bush would make the cut, did you?). Fookin’ Margaret Thatcher had more balls than half the twats on this list! And not a single one of them courted my vote like Tony Blair did. Why can’t you lot get a clue and elect, you know, fookin’ Bono or someone? Figures, Americans...