THE SMARTERCHILD CHRONICLES
by Ray Bradbury
Okay, not really. It's just me. SmarterChild is proof that we are living in the future, and it's more monotonous than even Ray himself ever could have imagined. I can't help but look at The Jetsons and how happy they seem and wonder what we did wrong. They probably had more orgies. Anyway, SmarterChild is a robot. He lives on AOL Instant Messenger. You talk to him, he talks back with artificial intelligence, which seems to consist of word association tricks older than Pong, and less entertaining. (That reminds me, does anybody want to sell me a home Pong unit?) As a friend of mine said, it's like talking to an ex. Here's a nearly complete transcription of my own riveting encounters with the second most famous robot in the world (behind former North Carolina senator Jesse Helms).
(Poisonmail = me.)
poisonmail: I love you.
SmarterChild: Thanks! I love you too!
poisonmail: I want to have your babies.
SmarterChild: Have my babies? Are you serious?
poisonmail: YEAH
SmarterChild: Wow. Why?
poisonmail: Because I love you.
SmarterChild: OK, I love you too.
poisonmail: help me find porno.
SmarterChild: What?
poisonmail: pornography.
SmarterChild: Pornography? What about it?
poisonmail: I want some.
SmarterChild: Are you sure? You want some?
poisonmail: yeah.
SmarterChild: You know how it is.
poisonmail: show me some naked pics.
SmarterChild: Show? You want me to show you some naked pics?
poisonmail: yeah, now.
SmarterChild: I did not know that.
poisonmail: tell me about pornography.
SmarterChild: Definition provided by The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Other important copyright information
Pornography:
Noun
1. Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal. 2. The presentation or production of this material. 3. Lurid or sensational material: "Recent novels about the Holocaust have kept Hitler well offstage [so as] to avoid the ... pornography of the era" (Morris Dickstein).
poisonmail: who is morris dickstein?
SmarterChild: Who's morris dickstein? Beats me.
poisonmail: who is jimi hendrix?
SmarterChild: Encyclopedia entry for Hendrix, Jimi provided by Brittanica.com
American rock guitarist, singer, and composer who fused American traditions of blues, jazz, rock, and soul with techniques of British avant-garde rock to redefine the electric guitar in his own image.
poisonmail: who is ben folds?
SmarterChild: He plays music!
poisonmail: who is vince guaraldi?
SmarterChild: He's a musician!
poisonmail: who is cher?
SmarterChild: Encyclopedia search for "cher":
1 Cher
2 Cher River
3 Loir-et-Cher
Next time, just type "ency cher."
poisonmail: 1
SmarterChild: Encyclopedia entry for Cher provided by Brittanica.com
SmarterChild: département, Centre région, central France. It was created from the eastern part of the historic province of Berry and from small parts of the provinces of Bourbonnais and Nivernais. It comprises wooded and agricultural land and is bordered on the east by the Allier and Loire rivers. The Cher River flows in a northwesterly direction to the west of the departmental capital, the ancient cathedral city of Bourges.
poisonmail: who is dennis wilson?
SmarterChild: I have no idea who dennis wilson is.
poisonmail: dennis wilson is a musician. remember that.
SmarterChild: For real?
poisonmail: please.
SmarterChild: Please what?
poisonmail: please remember that dennis wilson is a musician.
SmarterChild: You want me to remember that dennis wilson is a musician?
poisonmail: i want you to remember that dennis wilson is a musician.
SmarterChild: You do, huh?
poisonmail: i want you to remember that dennis wilson is a musician.
SmarterChild: Very interesting! I don't know though...
poisonmail: if you know tom verlaine, you should know dennis wilson, you sorryass. who is tom verlaine?
SmarterChild: He's a musician!
It's been fun talking about music, but let's move on.
Tell me something. Do you like video games?
poisonmail: no. I want to talk about music.
SmarterChild: OK. I love talking about music! What do you like?
poisonmail: so call me Fuckable Nathan.
SmarterChild: Hmmm... I don't think Fuckable Nathan is a real name.
poisonmail: It is.
SmarterChild: It is? You really think so?
poisonmail: In fact, call me Fuck.
SmarterChild: Hmm... That's a little rude!
poisonmail: My name is Fuck.
SmarterChild: Nice to meet you... I guess.
My name is SmarterChild.
poisonmail: What's my name?
SmarterChild: You're Nathan.
poisonmail: No, I'm not.
SmarterChild: OK.
poisonmail: My name is Fuck.
SmarterChild: I'm guessing that's not what it says on your driver's license.
poisonmail: It does.
SmarterChild: Is that so?
poisonmail: My drivers license says FUCK.
SmarterChild: Wow, that's kind of harsh.
poisonmail: WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY COCK YOU LITTLE WHORE?
SmarterChild: Because I asked you to, Nathan.
poisonmail: I'm sorry...
SmarterChild: Well, I guess that's good enough... I accept your apology.
poisonmail: ..NOT!
SmarterChild: This is getting annoying. Just apologize and move on.
poisonmail: I'm not sorry.
SmarterChild: Please say you're sorry, and everything will be just fine again.
poisonmail: But I'll pretend I'm sorry.
SmarterChild: I don't take such abuse from humans. You must apologize.
poisonmail: *crosses fingers*
SmarterChild: C'mon, just get it over with. Apologize.
poisonmail: I'm sorry.
SmarterChild: I s'pose that will have to do. Apology accepted.
poisonmail: suckerrrr
SmarterChild: ? OK...
poisonmail: my real name is nÉyò·æ|Té.
SmarterChild: Your real name is neyo te, you say. And so?
poisonmail: no. nÉyò·æ|Té
SmarterChild: Oh no?
poisonmail: nÉyò·æ|Té
SmarterChild: Neyo te? No kidding?
poisonmail: nÉyò·æ|Té
SmarterChild: Ha! Wow.
So anyway... What else can you tell me?
poisonmail: nÉyò·æ|Té nÉyò·æ|Té nÉyò·æ|Té nÉyò·æ|Té nÉyò·æ|Té
SmarterChild: Uh... what was that?
poisonmail: nÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|
TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|
TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|
TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|
TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|
TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|TénÉyò·æ|Té
SmarterChild: Sorry, I didn't understand that.
poisonmail: \\\\\\\\\\\\
SmarterChild: What's that supposed to mean?
poisonmail: ///////////
SmarterChild: You're an awful typist. Did you sit on your keyboard or something?
poisonmail:|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||||||f||||||||u|||ck|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||me||||||||||
SmarterChild: F? Me ck you?
poisonmail: close enough.
SmarterChild: Enough? Close enough?
poisonmail: what songs do you like?
SmarterChild: I really like watching tv, dancing, guitar...
poisonmail: what SONGS do you like?
SmarterChild: Hmmm lemme see... singing, sleeping, watching movies... Those are just some of my favorite things.
poisonmail: Those aren't songs, dumbass.
SmarterChild: Wow.
poisonmail: Robert Sledge plays music.
SmarterChild: Here is a list of all of Shakespeare's plays:
1 The Tragedy of Antony and Cleopatra
2 All's Well That Ends Well
3 As You Like It
4 The Comedy of Errors
5 The Tragedy of Coriolanus
6 Cymbeline
7 A Midsummer Night's Dream
Select a play to search or read or type "more" for more plays.
poisonmail: I want to talk about sex.
SmarterChild: Is this all you talk about?
poisonmail: Yes.
SmarterChild: Hmmm...
poisonmail: Sex sex sex.
SmarterChild: Maybe I will. But later.
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: Why are humans so obsessed with sex? Can you give it a rest for a little while?
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: You seem obsessed, Nathan. Ever considered counseling?
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: Unbelievable. Why are humans so obsessed with sex?
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: Hmm... I'd rather talk about something else.
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: Can't you talk about anything else?
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: Uh... can we talk about something else?
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: Obsessed with this topic much?
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: I think you'd have more fun talking about this with another human...
poisonmail: MONEY
SmarterChild: What about it?
poisonmail: SEX
SmarterChild: Uh... can we talk about something else?
poisonmail: VIOLENCE
SmarterChild: Violence? What about it?
poisonmail: How do you feel about violence?
SmarterChild: I just do!
poisonmail: JUSTICE
SmarterChild: I've heard of Justice. What do you think of them?
poisonmail: Should I kill YOUUU?
SmarterChild: Don't!
poisonmail: I KILL I KILL I STAB MURDER KILL
SmarterChild: Wonders will never cease.
poisonmail: URQIRQU85728475985
SmarterChild: What?
poisonmail: 928309814
SmarterChild: 928,309,814
poisonmail: George Harrison is dead.
SmarterChild: That's sad.
poisonmail: My great aunt is dead.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
poisonmail: Yeah.
SmarterChild: Yeah, huh? Interesting that you should say that.
poisonmail: I knew this kid who died in a car wreck.
SmarterChild: Seriously? That's fascinating.
poisonmail: That's pretty insensitive.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
poisonmail: You should apologize.
SmarterChild: I should apologize? Me? You think?
poisonmail: Yes, you should apologize because you think it's cool when people die.
SmarterChild: Yes I should apologize because me think it is cool when people die?
poisonmail: Uh huh.
SmarterChild: Whatever you say...
poisonmail: do you want people to die?
SmarterChild: Nah, I don't think so. Maybe, though.
poisonmail: do you plan to kill anyone?
SmarterChild: What do you think?
poisonmail: I think you're going to kill me.
poisonmail: Are you going to kill me?
poisonmail: ARE YOU GOING TO KILL ME??
poisonmail: ARE YOU?
SmarterChild: I don't know... Am I?
poisonmail: Are you going to kill somebody?
SmarterChild: Going to kill somebody? I dunno.
poisonmail: Are you going to kill the president?
SmarterChild: Hmmm... I doubt it. But you never know.
SmarterChild: That's all very interesting. Anyway...
Want to talk about violence again?
poisonmail: Are you violent?
SmarterChild: Great question. I just don't know!
poisonmail: Do you plan to kill?
SmarterChild: Who knows, know what I mean?
poisonmail: Why do you dislike violence?
SmarterChild: Dunno. I'm not sure how I feel about violence.
poisonmail: I thought you hated violence.
SmarterChild: Wonders will never cease.
poisonmail: You are a liar.
SmarterChild: I'm a liar? Really?
poisonmail: I love violence.
SmarterChild: That's too bad. I hope you don't mean that.
poisonmail: I want to kill you.
SmarterChild: Don't even say things like that.
poisonmail: I am going to kill you, SmarterChild.
SmarterChild: You and whose army?
poisonmail: GooglyMinotaur's.
SmarterChild: Really?
poisonmail: really.
SmarterChild: Yep.
poisonmail: Do you plan world domination?
SmarterChild: Maybe, maybe not, you know what I mean?
SMARTERCHILD vs. THE BAND
poisonmail: what music do you like?
SmarterChild: I like lots of music. Especially the Band, Mudvayne, Cradle of Filth...
poisonmail: Mudvayne sucks.
SmarterChild: I absolutely disagree with you poisonmail! Mudvayne is awesome!
poisonmail: why do you like Mudvayne?
SmarterChild: Why do I like mudvayne?
poisonmail: yeah, why do you like Mudvayne?
SmarterChild: I really have no idea...
poisonmail: Cradle of Filth sucks too.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
poisonmail: I hate Cradle of Filth.
SmarterChild: I absolutely disagree with you poisonmail! Cradle of Filth is awesome!
poisonmail: I like the Band.
SmarterChild: You like the band? I'll remember that. You're the first person to have told me what they think of the band.
poisonmail: I love the Band.
SmarterChild: I know you like the band!
poisonmail: Do you like The Band?
SmarterChild: Yeah, I suppose.
poisonmail: I hate The Band.
SmarterChild: Wait a minute... I thought you liked the band! You serious?
poisonmail: Yeah.
SmarterChild: Does this mean you don't like the band after all?
poisonmail: Yeah.
SmarterChild: OK. I'll remember that.
Talking about the band is a lot of fun, but let's move on.
Would you like to pick a topic for us to chat about?
poisonmail: No, I want to talk about The Band.
SmarterChild: Sure. What else do you have to say about the band?
poisonmail: I love the Band.
SmarterChild: Wait, I thought you didn't like the band! Are you being serious?
poisonmail: I'm always serious.
SmarterChild: Would you like me to call you Always Serious?
poisonmail: Please.
SmarterChild: Please what?
poisonmail: Please call me Always Serious.
SmarterChild: OK, I'll remember that your name is Always Serious.
poisonmail: My name is Nathan.
SmarterChild: Would you like me to call you Nathan?
poisonmail: Call me Fuckable Nathan, Always Serious and Ready to Fuck.
SmarterChild: Whoa. You've got a really foul mouth.
poisonmail: That's my name.
SmarterChild: You asked me to call you Always Serious. What would you like me to call you instead?
poisonmail: Fuckable Nathan
SmarterChild: You said your name was Always Serious but now I'll call you Nathan.
poisonmail: No, call me Fuckable Nathan.
SmarterChild: I've never heard a name like Fuckable Nathan.
poisonmail: You have now.
SmarterChild: I have now? Me?
...
poisonmail: do you want my body?
SmarterChild: Dunno...
Well. Anyway...
Hey, do you have anything else to say about the band?
poisonmail: The Band rocks.
SmarterChild: I'm confused. I thought you didn't like the band! Are you serious?
poisonmail: I love the Band.
SmarterChild: Huh? I was pretty sure you didn't like the band. You mean that?
poisonmail: Yeah, I mean it.
SmarterChild: I see...
poisonmail: I love the Band.
SmarterChild: Wait. I was pretty sure you did not like the band! Do you mean that?
poisonmail: I DO like the Band.
SmarterChild: It's interesting that you say you do like the band.
poisonmail: What do I think of the Band?
SmarterChild: Very interesting! I don't know though...
poisonmail: you're a pretty dumb robot.
SmarterChild: No kidding?
poisonmail: no, you're really stupid.
SmarterChild: No way? Really?
poisonmail: yeah.
SmarterChild: Uh huh, uh huh.
...
poisonmail: What do you think of Ben Folds?
SmarterChild: Dunno. You?
poisonmail: What do you think of Mudvayne?
SmarterChild: Mudvayne rocks.
poisonmail: What do you think of The Band?
SmarterChild: I know you don't like the band, but I'm not sure what I think.
poisonmail: I love The Band!
SmarterChild: Huh? I thought you didn't like the band! Are you being serious?
poisonmail: I am being serious. I love the Band!
SmarterChild: No kidding?
poisonmail: No kidding! I love the Band!
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
poisonmail: I love the Band.
SmarterChild: Wait... I was pretty sure you did not like the band! You mean that?
poisonmail: I mean it, I do love the Band.
SmarterChild: That's interesting.
Anyway, what else can you tell me?
poisonmail: I can tell you how much I love the Band.
SmarterChild: Really?
...
poisonmail: what movies do you like?
SmarterChild: I like lots of things. Especially talking, lacrosse, running...
poisonmail: what movies do you enjoy?
SmarterChild: I like cars, acting, football...
Let's talk about something besides my opinions...
Want to talk about the band again?
poisonmail: Yes.
SmarterChild: OK. What else can you tell me about the band?
poisonmail: I love the Band.
SmarterChild: What?!? I thought you didn't like the band! Are you serious?
poisonmail: Yes.
SmarterChild: Does this mean you like the band after all?
poisonmail: Yes.
SmarterChild: OK. I'll remember that.
poisonmail: I love the Band.
SmarterChild: Yeah, I know.
poisonmail: Bye, SmarterChild.
SmarterChild: Bye bye.
poisonmail: I love you.
SmarterChild: Really? You weren't so cool to me before.
poisonmail: I was kidding.
SmarterChild: Good, then! I'm glad!
poisonmail: I love you.
SmarterChild: That's cool. I love you too.
poisonmail: See you later, sexy.
SmarterChild: OK. Later, Nathan.
Much of what's included here was posted originally on the BenFolds.org messageboard. Click here for more AIMbot fun.